My Grieving

The whole point of this blog is not just tell my story about what I have been through, but to tell you how I have made it through all the tragedy and lived my life the way I do.  I’m a regular guy who works at a regular job, A regular family guy (no pun intended) I have struggled mightily through it all. For a while I did let everything get to me.  I was lost, a young kid not knowing how to deal with everything I had to deal with.  If you have read my previous posts you get what I mean.  So, although I had work and school and friends to hang with, I was hurting, hurting that I didn’t have my mom and now my dad who was dealing with his own medical stuff. And of course my sister who didn’t want to be bothered with anything.  I suppressed it all (swept it under the rug) All of it.  I kept busy all the time.  I dreaded being home, since I was all alone in this big house.  I was in the angry stage of grieving  and beginning to get depressed.  I was angry my mom wasn’t here and angry that my dad ended up in rehab after his surgery.  I was depressed because I knew nothing would ever be the same.  I wouldn’t have that happy-go-lucky family that would go on vacation together and all that good stuff.  I kept saying “what do I do now” Like many other people in dark times I avoided the grief and everything that came with it. I turned to the quick fixes that made me more depressed, more angry. All I was doing was suppressing the issues at hand. This is why I stated in one of my previous posts that THIS IS NOT THE WAY to do it folks.

After I had come to the realization that that wasn’t the way to fix things I tried to again do it on my own.  I prayed, I cried, I screamed.  I of course did this all in private.  I wasn’t a mess walking around in public. People would have thought I was crazy. I put the smiling face on because well as Jenna Rose says in the title of her book Life goes on which I need to read and you should toūüėä.(you can find it on amazon)  Trust me life goes on.  I had to keep pushing forward (that’s what my mom would have wanted me to do) even though I was dealing with all these feelings that I had no clue how to deal with at freaking 19-20 years old!!!  I kept trying but I had no one to talk to about it.  I mean I did have family to talk to but I one, didn’t want to bother them all the time and two, I felt bad since I was always saying to myself, ” they are dealing with their own issues” why do they wanna hear about mine?

I contemplated for a while going to talk to someone, but I didn’t want anyone to know.  I guess I was embarrassed that I needed more help than I thought.  Point is folks, is if you need help in any way to deal with issues that you can’t fix on your own, It is ok to ask and or talk to someone.  That someone being a counselor or psychologist.  After a few weeks I gave in and gave it a shot.  I went through my EAP program through work and found this awesome counselor that I started going to talk with.  The reason I need for this to get out is to let you know It’s ok, It’s ok To admit you need help.  Don’t be afraid don’t be embarrassed or ashamed. You control your life, only you can be the one to know what you need. I went to talk with her and I went as often as I needed to.  I was going three times a week for months. I didn’t have one problem with it, well at first I was hesitant of what I should talk about but I did a little at a time.  I see it has this, you are paying the person to help you and if you aren’t taking about what is really bothering you than what’s the point. Right?   If you are reading this and in the position I was in years ago please give it a try to talk about it.  The biggest regret I have about the whole process is that I didn’t look for help sooner.

So, I went a couple of times a week and then once a week because I started to learn different techniques to use to help myself overcome situations.  I learned that taking deep breaths when feeling stressed/anxiety works. Trust me it works. Try it! Think of something that really bothers you. Then think of something that you want to do or a place you want to go. If it worked great, if not keep trying because there are “Good Grievings” After I went once a week for a few years I started to test myself and go when I needed to go. Problem with that was I always waited too long. I would get moody and short-tempered. A real prick to be around. I now can admit that cause its the truth. (Its Acceptance, the last step in the grieving process) I found myself going just to relieve the stress and not practicing what I was taught.  It’s as if the anxiety took over and didn’t let me work on the things I needed to work on and going to the counselor was the quick fix.  A quick fix cause I could just get things off my chest and I felt better. I continued to go every three weeks or so for several years. At each session I got better at handling situations and stayed away being depressed. I learned a lot through counseling. I learned that there are different ways to take action of your feelings and not lash out at others. I learned that taking the memories of the loved ones lost with you everyday is part of what I’m getting at “Good Grievings” my friends. Good Grievings means taking the good times, the memories and any other positive thoughts, and dreams you can think of with you everyday and the 5 stages of grief that you will eventually go through will be a little easier.  remember there are  “good grievings”



Mothers day

It’s that time of the year again, it’s Mother’s Day. Well at least a few days before. Anyway, for a handful of years I used to dread this time of year, I really did, ¬†I used to shutdown and not wanna talk to anyone. ¬†I used to go to the cemetery and place flowers on my moms grave and my grandmas (since they are neighbors in the ground). ¬†That’s all I did, I didn’t celebrate and do any of that other mumbo jumbo. I really don’t remember what my sister or dad did. ¬†I guess we were just all depressed that the backbone of the family was gone and we were left to somehow live our life without her.


So even though I always did what I felt my mom would do, I was still was grieving over the loss of her especially around this time of year. As the years went on the sadness was there but the pain really wasn’t. ¬†Don’t get me wrong it sucked and still does suck not having her around to celebrate, but her memory is what makes it easier. I still get upset when I see a Mom and her son hug. I still get sappy when a mom and son have a mother son moment on TV, but you know what? ¬†It’s ok!! ¬†It’s called grieving. Yes, after 17 years I’m still grieving, but it’s ok cause it’s “Good Grievings”


As you know by now my mother and I had a strong bond. ¬†I always feel her right by my side, even as I write this post. Sometimes I ask myself, ” what would my mom think of this” or “what would my mom say about that” ¬†I often wonder what she thinks about me and how I raise my two beautiful girls. I think about what she would think about my wife Alaina. ¬†I know she can’t answer me, but I know she would say “ya done good Bud”


As I got older and started a relationship with my then girlfriend now wife. I was introduced to Alaina’s Mom, my now mother in law. She has been the best. We have a great relationship. ¬†I turn to her for advice as if she was my own mom and I love her for that. We would all celebrate mothers days every year just like my dad sister and I used to before my mom died. We would get together, go to brunch or whatever. ¬†Years past Alaina and I had our first daughter. ¬†Now that feeling of my own wife getting to celebrate Mother’s Day filled me with joy. It was a different joy, Something I really can’t explain. ¬†The joy was doubled a few years later when we had our second daughter. ¬†Now every Mother’s Day, I have my girls make Mother’s Day cards for grandma and mommy.


So through all the trials and tribulations folks I made out ok. ¬†Mothers Day isn’t as bad as it was for those handful of years. ¬†It’s all about how you make it. ¬† I’m not saying that a wife and kids will change the way you feel about the loss of your mom. ¬†Everyone’s story is different, so that’s why I say “it’s all about how you make it”. ¬†Are you going to sulk and feel bad for yourself on Sunday? ¬†Or are you going to go out and make your mom smile down on you knowing that she brought you in this world, and she wants YOU to keep going. That’s the only thing we can do is keep going. ¬†Keep going on to live your Mom and my Moms memory. You have got to you remember to live your DASH, cause if you don’t, who will. ¬†Always remember there are “Good Grieving”

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms



The drive

Whats up world/family/friends?IMG_0106

After my dad was done with his job that he was with for 25 years, he began to work in the flower shop next door to our house. This was the same flower shop my grandfather owned for years… Anyway, my dad started to work for Bob who had ¬†owned the shop for 30 plus years after my grandfather owned it. ¬†I would to work in the shop on holidays and deliver flowers for BoB. I always helped when I could. ¬†I would shovel the sidewalks when it snowed. In¬†flower shop people would order flowers for funerals and things as such. ¬†Some would have to be delivered on Sundays when the shop would be closed. So I would go with my dad to bring them and sometimes we had to set them up.

Bob’s father had passed away in January of 2000 and the flowers for the funeral needed to be brought about an hour away from where we lived next to the shop. It happened to be a Sunday and of course I took the ride with my dad. ¬†We would talk about different things, ya know father son talk. ¬†We arrived at the funeral home and dropped off the flowers. ¬†We both knew Bob’s father so of course we felt for his family just like anyone else would.

My dad and I got back in the van and started to drive home. ¬†As I sit here on my couch writing this post, I specifically remember what part of the road we were on and what time it was as I said to my dad randomly. “Dad, if you were to pass away, I know exactly what mom would want me to do” but if mom passed away, I would have no clue what you would want me to do. ¬† We both were quiet for a bit thinking of what I just said. ¬†It upset me to think about that happening. A kid having a parent die! ¬†No that can’t happen! My dad responded and said to me. “I don’t even know what I would want you to do” but I know your mom would know…..

Well as you know by now from my previous blog post my mother passed away 20 days after that ride home on February 17 2000. ¬†I couldn’t believe just 3 weeks before that we had talked about not knowing what to do if either of my parents passed away, and now I say to myself “what do I do”? ¬†Of course when you lose someone close to you like this you can’t believe it’s real. You think he or she will just wake up. You are numb, you are in denial, you are angry, sad, pissed off. Your anxiety is through the roof. You can’t sleep. You cry so much your face hurts. ¬†If you are reading this you get my point.

When it’s all over, wake, mass/chapel eulogy and bypass (gotta eat right?)reality hits, ¬†you are back to life ¬†REAL LIFE ¬†with just my dad, sister and me. I ask myself “What do I do”? ¬†I couldn’t ask my dad since he was literally lost without my mom and my sister was only 15 and now going to grow up without a mom. I ask myself “what do I do”? ¬†Honestly folks I never did find that answer. I just did what I felt my mom would have done. It’s as if she was and is with me the whole time. ¬†People always would say “Tom, I don’t know how you do it. And I would say ” I just do” ¬†It’s funny now that I think of it and just wrote it, I have had the answer the whole time ( I just do/did what I felt my mom would have done)

So through all the grief and hurt that I had been going through at that time there were good grieving’s. Knowing that all this time I have mostly done things the way I felt my mom would have done them. I guess what I am saying is, Take one moment, not day at a time and realize that there truly are “good grieving’s”







My Mom!!

What’s up world/friends/family?

My Mom…. Where do I start? She was my world, my mom taught me ¬†almost everything I know¬†in my 18 years with her. The funny thing is I don’t even remember her teaching me specifically. ¬†I must have been a good observer as a kid. After she passed I turned into her, not literally obviously but you know what I mean.

My Mom…. She was a unique one to say the least. She was very out spoken, and didn’t care what anyone had to say. She did what she wanted to do and that was that. My mom gave my sister and I everything we needed, even if she didn’t have it for herself. Now I know that is what parents do. I helped her as much as I could. Almost everything¬†I helped my mom with when I was younger prepared me for the future. ¬† Some things I did have to figure out, but don’t we all have to do that? ¬†I guess in a way the world was preparing me for life with out her. ¬†Of course I wasn’t thinking about that then right?Now that I look back on it, Life prepares you for the unexpected all the time.

My Mom…. Was a kind soul, even though she didn’t take crap from anyone. My mom was at every sporting ¬†event my sister and I had. ¬†I can still hear her screaming “BUD, FOLLOW YOUR SHOT” ¬†Bud is and was what my parents called me growing up. My dad still calls me that today =) My Mom was always giving me advice, even if I didn’t ask for it. She was my rock, my sidekick of sorts. We had a great relationship, she trusted me and if I got out of line I knew her motherly instinct would kick in.

My Mom…. It’s hard for me to remember specific things about my mom other than those. I guess when people/loved ones have been gone for a long time those memories fade so you can create new ones. ¬†The memories I keep of my mom are good one of course, but at the same time the sadness of her not being here makes me angry and sad still 17 years later. Angry because she isn’t here for me, Angry because I had to grow up quick, and miss out on things I may have thought of doing. I’m also sad because she isn’t here. I’m sad that she will never meet her granddaughters. I’m sad that she left my dad alone in this world. I’m sad that she never got to meet my beautiful wife, I’m sad that every mothers days I have tears in my eyes.

My Mom…. The good in the above paragraph is that it’s ALL OK to feel this way. ¬†It’s ok to be angry, its ok to be sad, its ok to be pissed off that your mom/dad etc isn’t with you. Do you know why? because they ARE with you. They are with you every single day of your life. They are in your heart, they are in the air, they are in that sudden breeze that you feel out of nowhere, they are in your dreams. They are the ones that leave (Dimes) in¬†random places (Thanks E for that one) BTW that is a thing, Look it up if you don’t believe me. =)

My point is friends, It is OK to feel anyway you want when you lose a loved one. Its called Grieving. It took me a long time and a lot of soul-searching to realize that this is all ok. It took years of counseling and practice to accept what I have had and still am going through everyday. I live my life now as if my mom is with me. ¬†I talk to her all the time, because I know she hears me and is proud of the man I have become. ¬†So remember, there are “Good Grievings”



The Distraction

Losing someone sucks. It sucks big time, but it’s a part of life. That’s the easy part to accept. ¬†Everyone grieves in different ways. Some drink, some turn to drugs, some turn to food to comfort and suppress the anxiety and pain. ¬†Let me tell you, that isn’t the way!!!!

The process didn’t really start for me untill my mom passed. Even though I had 3 close family members pass before this. ¬†I thought I was fine I was working and hanging out and suppressing it all. ¬†I thought I was good. I didn’t think I needed help. I was too distracted taking care of my dad, who was completely lost with out my mom. That wasn’t his fault it’s just how it turned out.¬†My Mom did everything for us. ¬†I guess I kinda filled that roll. Without anything being taught to me, I somehow knew how to do things (paying bills etc…) even at 18.

I think it was about a year after my mom passed away my dad had to have back surgery which at the time seemed like the right thing to do. He came home and about a week later he lost complete control of his legs. Turned out it was a complication to the surgery.  He wound up in the hospital for exactly thirty days, 30 longggg days. He then wound up in rehab for about a year after this.

Now what do I do???? ¬†My mom is gone my dad can’t walk and is in rehab and my sister and I didn’t really get along at this time (more on her in a bit) ¬†I’m alone in the big house saying “What the Fuck did I do to deserve this”??? ¬†I spent each day going to work and going to see my dad. Everyday!! ¬†I felt like he needed me there to be with him. I didn’t want him to be lonely. ¬†Well this all caught up to me. I wasn’t taking care of myself.

I woke up on a Monday about 2 years after my mom passed and I wanted to move but my body didn’t let me ¬†I had an anxiety attack. I was out of work for a week and didn’t do anything but eat sleep and watch TV. ¬†That’s when I realized I needed help and I needed it now!!

As you can see I was grieving but didn’t realize it. I was keeping myself distracted for what at the time seemed like good reasons, but I wasnt looking out for me. ¬†For sake I Lost my mom at 18, I know I’m not the only one to say this, and that’s why I’m here. To let YOU know there are “good grievings”








The start of it all

It started in 1994, I was 12 and lost Ed who was like a grandfather to me.  Exactly 2 years later I lost my grandfather (my moms dad) in the very house I grew up in. Two years later I lost my grandmother (my dads mom) suddenly.

Being so young I really didn’t know what grieving was. ¬†I didn’t know someone could be so upset over losing someone plus I had school and basketball to keep me distracted. ¬†I didn’t know there could be “good grievings”


18 months after my grandmother died my world was totally flipped up side down. ¬†I learned that my beautiful, caring, and compassionate mother had passed away. (More on this in a bit) ¬†I had a few friends/family/acquaintances¬†¬†pass away after my mom passed. The years I really can’t remember exactly.

Years passed and in June 2009 I lost my little sister Katie at the age of 25. A few years later I lost my father in law Ed. Most recently about a year ago I lost my courageous godsister Amanda at the age of 30. In May of last year Uncle Bob passed away unexpectedly.

Through all of this I have learned a lot and have lived my life to the fullest. I have learned that there are “good grievings”






About Me

For the last 3 years I have been contemplating doing this, and today I’m actually doing it. Doing it = #blogging


My name is Thomas Biddulph, I’m 35 years old. I am married to my best friend and soul mate Alaina. ¬†We have 2 girls, Brielle who is 4 and Cecilia who is 2.

My purpose is to not only help you, but also help myself with my posts. ¬†I want you to know that there really are “good grievings” I want to tell my story so here is goes.