I wanted to share a part of my day from yesterday. Signs from your loved ones are all around you. I notice them often and I don’t believe in coincidence. In one of my recent posts about MY MOM I mentioned dimes being a sign I see all the time in random places. I was at the beach last weekend and a small little butterfly flew right passed me while I was in the ocean. I mean come on, I rarely see a butterfly in the ocean. These signs are around to let you know your loved ones are watching and are with you.
Yesterday at work was a rare 3 for 3 sign day. I started at a new store a few days ago as I work In retail. I found a shirt still in plastic that had the name of my company on it. These shirts we can order for us to where and are free to us. Anyway, the size shirt was my size and earlier in the day I was saying to myself “I need to order some new shirts” later on that day I was helping a customer and there was a password that came up that I had to enter to move forward. In that password my moms initials CB and my sister initials KT for Katie where apart of the the PW. They were right after each other. I didn’t realize it at first but read it again and a smile came to my face. The last sign was later that night a girl walked into the store. I saw her a few times walking around the store but didn’t notice until she checked out that she resembled my god sister (I talk about her in my last post (living my life). The girls face was similar and had the same piercing on her face as my Godsister did.
Signs are everywhere. Open up yourself and notice them. They are around you for a reason. Another sign of good grievings! Take those memories of your loved ones with you all the time. Keep smiling 😃 Until next time live laugh love
When tradegy strikes your whole world gets flipped upside down. Especially if it’s a parent like my mom or a sibling like my sister. It’s so easy to just slip into the darkness and tuck yourself away. It’s so easy to give up. Trust me I have been in the darkness. I have been there where the anxiety takes over and you feel like you can’t handle it. It took a lot of help to get me where I am today. Everyone grieves, everyone!! There is no such thing as someone saying. O my mom died I’m good I won’t grieve. It doesn’t work like that friends.
Fast forward 4 years after my mom passed. I met my future wife. That’s where life changed, I flipped the switch, Happiness took over. Don’t get me wrong I was still going through the grieving process, but the happiness out weighed the negative. Now I have my girlfriend, friends, a job and poker every so often. So even though I was content with being happy I had still sought the help I needed. I things I needed to learn to keep this happiness from fading. I was so nervous that it wouldn’t last. That I would screw it up cause I couldn’t deal with my mom not being around. The counseling I received helped me with all this. It took a long time to understand that all of what had happened 4 years before was all for a reason. 2 years went by and it was time to leave the house I grew up in. It was hard to leave the house, but I knew that if I wanted to move forward it’s what had to be done.
We moved into our apartment and started a new life, our life. Happiness out weighed the negativity. You are probably asking yourself, how is the guy able to handle and enjoy life like this, after losing his mother they way he did? My answer, I sought the help I needed to be happy. If you think you can do it on your own, then do it! (There may be a few) but seeking the help you need is the best option hands down. I still seek help today. I get help through this blog. I get help through the comments I receive from family and friends that read the blog. I need to shoutout my cousin right here. Ryan (bloggingfromparadise.com) has been an inspiration to me through this all. He has always been there through thick and thin. He is one of the reasons I was able to start this whole blog thing, and I’m grateful to him. Seek help Seek help Seek help. It works. Weather you talk to someone you know, or a complete stranger. Just try it! You won’t know until you do.
2-3 years pass and the topic of moving came up. I didn’t want to have nothing to do with it. I always said I would never move from NJ. I swept it under the rug…. Well, the topic wasn’t going away. I had to face the fact that we were actually going to move. Of course all the anxiety came back and the fear of change. Long story short we were moving after our wedding. My in laws were already out in Arizona and we were gonna start fresh. As we were planning our wedding and our honey moon and our move all at the same time, my sister passed away. (You can read about this in the MY SISTER post) Back into the grieving process. Just when I thought I was in acceptance that my mom was no longer here nerely 9 years later it starts all over again. The plans never changed on the moving part and of course we were still getting married. So I had to deal with it. Just as I dealt with my mom passing. The next 2 months went by in a flash. We got married 6 weeks after my sister died- went on our honeymoon- packed up our apartment- and moved across country all in 3 weeks. Through all this I’m still trying to deal with the loss of my sister. Grieving doenst stop. It’s a part of life. It’s a part of who we are. We grieve when people die!
The hotland AKA Arizona life was great. Well not at first, we did move there without jobs, but hey take risks right? We got jobs, we had a house built we started a family, We enjoyed all of it. It was an experience to say the least. 4 years into our “hotland” life my father in law lost his short battle with cancer. Here comes the grief all over again. The process has been different every time. I feel like I grieve happier now. Hence “good grievings”. I take the memories of my loved ones with me”. My wife and I live our life through him. We reminisce about his funny sayings and his love of #rocknroll. Even though we knew it, this whole experience put it in perspective. You only live once, and if you aren’t happy, you are the only one to change it. A year after my father in law passed we started talking about moving again. The Hotland became to hot for us. Not only that, we needed the beach, and a better overall life. Since we moved cross country once, why not do it again? So we pointed at the map and landed on North Carolina. I’m just kidding obviously. Anyway we talked and talked some more about NC. My wife did all the research and was probing around on sites to get as much information as we could. We decided we needed to visit. In the midst of planning the visit. Another loved one had passed away. My courageous god sister passed away after her long battle with cancer. Now this hit home in a different way. A way in witch I didn’t grieve for myself. I grieved for my god parents and brother. I flew to NJ to be there for them. To help them through what I could. The trip went by super fast. I got home and it hit me. The emptiness of my God sister not being here and all the memories of my sister resurfacing. I didn’t take time for myslef when she died. I went straight to help others. I do this often now. It could be a complete stranger and I feel compelled to reach out to them and say you are not alone. I feel like I have to be the one to give them a hung and tell them to keep going. Keep living your life.
We visited NC in April last year and absolutely fell in love with it. This was the place we needed to be. So now the job search. I couldn’t find squat lol. Not even a call back. I finally got an interview with the company I was at in Arizona but they said no in NC. Now we are like ok maybe it wasn’t meant to be for us to live there. In December of last year, right before Christmas I landed an interview from a company I worked for for 7 years before. I got hired the same day as my interview. I wasn’t even going to apply for it, but I did cause I had nothing to lose. So we are moving. We had a month to pack and go. I finally was able to give my notice at the current job. It was what I was wanting to do since we left from our North Carolina visit. Imagine knowing you are going to quit a job to move but couldn’t until everything aligned. Crazy right? We are Crazy- but you have to be. You have to “break the rules” as my cousin who I mentioned above states in his featured blog post on positivelypositive.com. We prepared for months and decluttered the house. That’s how serious we were about getting out😉
We finally did it, We got to NC. We have been here 5 months and as I sit here writing to you I asked my wife. How would you rate living here? She’s says a 10 without even flinching. Never in my right mind would I have thought I would have moved across country 2 times. It’s great to be at a place you are happy with. If you aren’t happy then what the points. You see folks, I’m telling my story to you to show you that through all the tragedy I endoured I chose to live positively. I chose to get help, I chose to get out of the darkness. I would have missed out on a lot if I didn’t huh? Good Grievings is all of this. Yes it’s taking those memories of your loved ones with you. It’s also living your life through your loved ones. Reminiscing about them and their sayings or thier music. Talking about them often even if it brings tears to your eyes. It’s ok! It’s all ok. You too can do what I did and continue to do. All you need to do is remember what I have been through and be open to what this world has in store for you. I wanted to share this awesome quote from a friend that I have know for years. It hits the nail on the head. It’s called a Beautiful gift. Thank you Renee 😀👍
Where do I start with this one? Some of you that know me probably have smirk on your face right now. I know I do 😀. My sister was just like my mom she was one of a kind. She didn’t give a crap what people thought about her and she did what she wanted to do. We were close growing. We got along like any brother/sister did fighting and arguing lol. All jokes aside it was fun having a little sister. She knew I would be there to protect her at all costs especially at school since we were in the same one together both grammar and high school. As we got older we had our own friends and own lives. We kinda did our own thing. She was involved with bowling at school and I was playing basketball. She supported me and came to the games with my parents. She was a freshman and I a senior. I don’t know if she really wanted to go or my mom dragged her. My sister probably didn’t want to be there since my mom started yelling “follow your shot” to everyone on the team and not just me. Anyway, my little sis was 15 when my mom died. From my previous posts you get now how I felt after this happened. I still and now never will know how she felt. I mean she probably didn’t even know how she felt at 15 right? Things went down hill with our relationship after Mom died. She wanted to do what she wanted to do no matter what. I mean she was 15 and now motherless so I get it, be rebellious. There was nothing that could change that. She was who she was.
Time went on after my mom died and we all were trying to get back to our lives. My sister and I barely spoke cause we couldn’t speak without screaming at each other, which made it all worse. My sister wound up staying with a friend after she graduated high school in 2002. This is when I was in the house by myself. My sister would come home here and there to get things and it was just a Hi and Bye. I had so much hostility towards her. I was trying my best to be normal and “do things how my mom would have done them” and she’s out having a grand old time. I’m like “what did I do to deserve this”? I did try to mend the relationship but we were so broken that one little thing would set off an argument. There are 2 things I wish we would have done 1. Me not getting help on my own right away and 2. us all going to family counseling. Would it have helped? Who knows. So I speak to you, if you are in this situation, seek the help you need. Weather it is family or one on one counseling. It works, and I am living proof of it. I wouldn’t been here writing to help you if I didn’t get the help I needed. Years passed and my sister didn’t change until she met a guy who she eventually got engaged to. He was a cool guy a little quiet, totally opposite of my sister. (Opposites attract they say) My Sis changed a lot after she met him. He seemed to bring out the bright side in her.
Our relationship was on the way up. We would text or call to see how each other was. Everything was kinda normal. We both had good jobs. Her and my girlfriend then, now wife connected and got along really well. Kinda like sister she never had. It was good to see my dad happy that we were getting along again.
Then it happened. It was a Sunday night. My wife and we’re watching TV and I got a call at 9pm. It was my sisters fiancé. He said Tom, your sister had an accident and she’s in the hospital. He said she collapsed. I was like ok call me and let me know. I called my dad and told him and then told him I will call him back. My Sisters fiancé called back not even 5mins later and said “Umm Tom, Katie died”. I was like how? I said I ll be right there. I panicked, I asked my wife how am I going to tell my dad my sister is dead. I was all over the place. Her and I got dressed and drove to my dads house. He was waiting there and somehow I knew he knew she had died without me even saying anything. Now I’m like I have to go to the hospital which was an hour away. Niether my dad or wife wanted me to drive and it was 11pm on a Sunday night. Luckily I have great friends. One of them imparticular came to pick me up and drove me to the hospital. He was trying to keep my mind off of the situation but it really didn’t work. I was reliving my worst nightmare all over again. “My little Sister died”. How the fuck does that happen? “What did I do to deserve this”?
We get to the hospital and there waiting was my sister fiancé, my godparents my two aunts and my uncle. I had only had called my Aunt since she lived right there. This is what family does, they come together in times of despire and I’m greatful to them for that. As soon as I got there I completely broke down. I hadn’t cried since it all started. I was in complete denial (first stage of grief). I asked to see my sister but I had got there to late. They said they had to go through procedure and so she was already in a body bag (sorry to be so visual) I did though get to have a minute with her by ourselves. After everything that went on after I talked to my sister is still foggy to this day. I guess everyone was there to make sure I was ok. My best man at my wedding had came to the hospital also. I’m not even sure how he found out. You really know who your true friends are in times like this. I headed back home and all we talked about was my sister and the memories. It was her time to go. God chose her to do better things in the next life. To watch over me and my dad. Just when I was finally accepting that my mom wasn’t here (one of the last stages of grievings) my sister is gone. So what now? Start all over again? For some reason it wasn’t as hard. Don’t get me wrong I miss my sister and hate she isn’t here. But, my grief for her was and is different. Maybe it was because our realtionship was shaky until the end. I don’t know! I do miss that she isn’t here for my girls and the fact that the bro/sis realtionship will never be there. I learned that it’s all ok. It’s ok to feel however you want or however your body is going to make you feel. It’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to punch walls, not ok but I was in the moment ( I did this after my mom died and needed X-rays)
Folks I may have not specifically talked about how good grievings is put into this whole post, but as you can see I’m writing about it. It’s my way to counsel myself and get my words out. It’s a way for you to read this and for me to let you know, you are not alone in death. You have family like I had waiting for me at the hospital. You have friends. If for some reason you don’t have the support you need. There is help out there. You need to seek it, it won’t come to you. Please know there are “Good Grievings” in times of despire
Everyone has seen those shows with Theresa Caputo (Long Island medium) I totally believe in their whole life and what they do for others. I have done a session with a psychic medium and also one through Skype. 90 percent of what they said and or told me was true.
My father in law passed away in March of 2014 of cancer… It left us devastated. The things that happened after he died is really what got me thinking of starting this blog. Things that I never experienced before in my life. Things that may have been with me all these years but I didn’t know until he died. It’s like he brought these experiences to me. These experiences I’m talking about are the ability to sense spirits. One experience I had was with the medium that I mentioned earlier. She gave us all a reading, my dad-mother in law-my wife and I. We were wrapping it up and I mentioned the fact that I can sense spirit. She automatically said yes I can sense you sense spirit. She went on to ask if I felt that anyone was around now. I said yes, someone is standing behind you, without a blink she said “yes, that’s my dad, He is with me at every reading”. Talk about Chills!!
I really didn’t think it could be possible for this to be. I read on forums and found out that everyone has the ability to sense spirit, some are more heightened than others. So, I was like cool, I can sense spirit. Now, where are you spirit? Just kidding it doesn’t work like that. It takes a lot of practice and patience to do what all the mediums do. I am by far no medium….. I sometimes thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but it wasn’t. I had the “the out of no where experience” one morning that gives me chills now that I write about it. I have always sensed Eddie (FIL) around ever since he died, even to this day and as I sit and write.
I woke up one morning to get ready for work. I went out into the kitchen and felt this abundance of energy and I said to myself “what the hell is that”? I walked toward the kitchen table and it was as if Eddie was sitting at the kitchen table just hanging. I mean it actually wasn’t him but it was something that felt like him. He was sitting there still. They say you remember your loved ones as happy as can be. I remember Eddie sitting at the table just like he was in the picture we put in the paper for his obituary. I said to him. “Oh, you are here”? And he just nodded. I said,” are you here to watch over Alaina”? He again just nodded. You see Alaina (my wife) was pregnant with our second child at the time and due any day. So I went on thinking to myself, is this really happening? Am I taking to Eddie? even though it wasn’t the Eddie on earth. Yes, yes I was. I finally said to him, “ok, I have to leave for work now” and he just nodded. As I walked away from the kitchen the energy faded, but that experience is something I will never forget. You see folks, all these experiences that have happened have helped me. Now that I think about it, it was all a way to help me grieve. It was for Eddie to let me know he was and is always around to watch over us. These are all good grievings my friends (hence the name of the site). Keeping the memories of your loved ones alive is the first step in the right direction. #liveyourdash #lifegoeson #lifestillgoeson
The whole point of this blog is not just tell my story about what I have been through, but to tell you how I have made it through all the tragedy and lived my life the way I do. I’m a regular guy who works at a regular job, A regular family guy (no pun intended) I have struggled mightily through it all. For a while I did let everything get to me. I was lost, a young kid not knowing how to deal with everything I had to deal with. If you have read my previous posts you get what I mean. So, although I had work and school and friends to hang with, I was hurting, hurting that I didn’t have my mom and now my dad who was dealing with his own medical stuff. And of course my sister who didn’t want to be bothered with anything. I suppressed it all (swept it under the rug) All of it. I kept busy all the time. I dreaded being home, since I was all alone in this big house. I was in the angry stage of grieving and beginning to get depressed. I was angry my mom wasn’t here and angry that my dad ended up in rehab after his surgery. I was depressed because I knew nothing would ever be the same. I wouldn’t have that happy-go-lucky family that would go on vacation together and all that good stuff. I kept saying “what do I do now” Like many other people in dark times I avoided the grief and everything that came with it. I turned to the quick fixes that made me more depressed, more angry. All I was doing was suppressing the issues at hand. This is why I stated in one of my previous posts that THIS IS NOT THE WAY to do it folks.
After I had come to the realization that that wasn’t the way to fix things I tried to again do it on my own. I prayed, I cried, I screamed. I of course did this all in private. I wasn’t a mess walking around in public. People would have thought I was crazy. I put the smiling face on because well as JennaRose says in the title of her book “Life goes on“ which I need to read and you should to😊.(you can find it on amazon) Trust me life goes on. I had to keep pushing forward (that’s what my mom would have wanted me to do) even though I was dealing with all these feelings that I had no clue how to deal with at freaking 19-20 years old!!! I kept trying but I had no one to talk to about it. I mean I did have family to talk to but I one, didn’t want to bother them all the time and two, I felt bad since I was always saying to myself, ” they are dealing with their own issues” why do they wanna hear about mine?
I contemplated for a while going to talk to someone, but I didn’t want anyone to know. I guess I was embarrassed that I needed more help than I thought. Point is folks, is if you need help in any way to deal with issues that you can’t fix on your own, It is ok to ask and or talk to someone. That someone being a counselor or psychologist. After a few weeks I gave in and gave it a shot. I went through my EAP program through work and found this awesome counselor that I started going to talk with. The reason I need for this to get out is to let you know It’s ok, It’s ok To admit you need help. Don’t be afraid don’t be embarrassed or ashamed. You control your life, only you can be the one to know what you need. I went to talk with her and I went as often as I needed to. I was going three times a week for months. I didn’t have one problem with it, well at first I was hesitant of what I should talk about but I did a little at a time. I see it has this, you are paying the person to help you and if you aren’t taking about what is really bothering you than what’s the point. Right? If you are reading this and in the position I was in years ago please give it a try to talk about it. The biggest regret I have about the whole process is that I didn’t look for help sooner.
So, I went a couple of times a week and then once a week because I started to learn different techniques to use to help myself overcome situations. I learned that taking deep breaths when feeling stressed/anxiety works. Trust me it works. Try it! Think of something that really bothers you. Then think of something that you want to do or a place you want to go. If it worked great, if not keep trying because there are “Good Grievings” After I went once a week for a few years I started to test myself and go when I needed to go. Problem with that was I always waited too long. I would get moody and short-tempered. A real prick to be around. I now can admit that cause its the truth. (Its Acceptance, the last step in the grieving process) I found myself going just to relieve the stress and not practicing what I was taught. It’s as if the anxiety took over and didn’t let me work on the things I needed to work on and going to the counselor was the quick fix. A quick fix cause I could just get things off my chest and I felt better. I continued to go every three weeks or so for several years. At each session I got better at handling situations and stayed away being depressed. I learned a lot through counseling. I learned that there are different ways to take action of your feelings and not lash out at others. I learned that taking the memories of the loved ones lost with you everyday is part of what I’m getting at “Good Grievings” my friends. Good Grievings means taking the good times, the memories and any other positive thoughts, and dreams you can think of with you everyday and the 5 stages of grief that you will eventually go through will be a little easier. remember there are “good grievings”
It’s that time of the year again, it’s Mother’s Day. Well at least a few days before. Anyway, for a handful of years I used to dread this time of year, I really did, I used to shutdown and not wanna talk to anyone. I used to go to the cemetery and place flowers on my moms grave and my grandmas (since they are neighbors in the ground). That’s all I did, I didn’t celebrate and do any of that other mumbo jumbo. I really don’t remember what my sister or dad did. I guess we were just all depressed that the backbone of the family was gone and we were left to somehow live our life without her.
So even though I always did what I felt my mom would do, I was still was grieving over the loss of her especially around this time of year. As the years went on the sadness was there but the pain really wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong it sucked and still does suck not having her around to celebrate, but her memory is what makes it easier. I still get upset when I see a Mom and her son hug. I still get sappy when a mom and son have a mother son moment on TV, but you know what? It’s ok!! It’s called grieving. Yes, after 17 years I’m still grieving, but it’s ok cause it’s “Good Grievings”
As you know by now my mother and I had a strong bond. I always feel her right by my side, even as I write this post. Sometimes I ask myself, ” what would my mom think of this” or “what would my mom say about that” I often wonder what she thinks about me and how I raise my two beautiful girls. I think about what she would think about my wife Alaina. I know she can’t answer me, but I know she would say “ya done good Bud”
As I got older and started a relationship with my then girlfriend now wife. I was introduced to Alaina’s Mom, my now mother in law. She has been the best. We have a great relationship. I turn to her for advice as if she was my own mom and I love her for that. We would all celebrate mothers days every year just like my dad sister and I used to before my mom died. We would get together, go to brunch or whatever. Years past Alaina and I had our first daughter. Now that feeling of my own wife getting to celebrate Mother’s Day filled me with joy. It was a different joy, Something I really can’t explain. The joy was doubled a few years later when we had our second daughter. Now every Mother’s Day, I have my girls make Mother’s Day cards for grandma and mommy.
So through all the trials and tribulations folks I made out ok. Mothers Day isn’t as bad as it was for those handful of years. It’s all about how you make it. I’m not saying that a wife and kids will change the way you feel about the loss of your mom. Everyone’s story is different, so that’s why I say “it’s all about how you make it”. Are you going to sulk and feel bad for yourself on Sunday? Or are you going to go out and make your mom smile down on you knowing that she brought you in this world, and she wants YOU to keep going. That’s the only thing we can do is keep going. Keep going on to live your Mom and my Moms memory. You have got to you remember to live your DASH, cause if you don’t, who will. Always remember there are “Good Grieving”
After my dad was done with his job that he was with for 25 years, he began to work in the flower shop next door to our house. This was the same flower shop my grandfather owned for years… Anyway, my dad started to work for Bob who had owned the shop for 30 plus years after my grandfather owned it. I would to work in the shop on holidays and deliver flowers for BoB. I always helped when I could. I would shovel the sidewalks when it snowed. In flower shop people would order flowers for funerals and things as such. Some would have to be delivered on Sundays when the shop would be closed. So I would go with my dad to bring them and sometimes we had to set them up.
Bob’s father had passed away in January of 2000 and the flowers for the funeral needed to be brought about an hour away from where we lived next to the shop. It happened to be a Sunday and of course I took the ride with my dad. We would talk about different things, ya know father son talk. We arrived at the funeral home and dropped off the flowers. We both knew Bob’s father so of course we felt for his family just like anyone else would.
My dad and I got back in the van and started to drive home. As I sit here on my couch writing this post, I specifically remember what part of the road we were on and what time it was as I said to my dad randomly. “Dad, if you were to pass away, I know exactly what mom would want me to do” but if mom passed away, I would have no clue what you would want me to do. We both were quiet for a bit thinking of what I just said. It upset me to think about that happening. A kid having a parent die! No that can’t happen! My dad responded and said to me. “I don’t even know what I would want you to do” but I know your mom would know…..
Well as you know by now from my previous blog post my mother passed away 20 days after that ride home on February 17 2000. I couldn’t believe just 3 weeks before that we had talked about not knowing what to do if either of my parents passed away, and now I say to myself “what do I do”? Of course when you lose someone close to you like this you can’t believe it’s real. You think he or she will just wake up. You are numb, you are in denial, you are angry, sad, pissed off. Your anxiety is through the roof. You can’t sleep. You cry so much your face hurts. If you are reading this you get my point.
When it’s all over, wake, mass/chapel eulogy and bypass (gotta eat right?)reality hits, you are back to life REAL LIFE with just my dad, sister and me. I ask myself “What do I do”? I couldn’t ask my dad since he was literally lost without my mom and my sister was only 15 and now going to grow up without a mom. I ask myself “what do I do”? Honestly folks I never did find that answer. I just did what I felt my mom would have done. It’s as if she was and is with me the whole time. People always would say “Tom, I don’t know how you do it. And I would say ” I just do” It’s funny now that I think of it and just wrote it, I have had the answer the whole time ( I just do/did what I felt my mom would have done)
So through all the grief and hurt that I had been going through at that time there were good grieving’s. Knowing that all this time I have mostly done things the way I felt my mom would have done them. I guess what I am saying is, Take one moment, not day at a time and realize that there truly are “good grieving’s”
My Mom…. Where do I start? She was my world, my mom taught me almost everything I know in my 18 years with her. The funny thing is I don’t even remember her teaching me specifically. I must have been a good observer as a kid. After she passed I turned into her, not literally obviously but you know what I mean.
My Mom…. She was a unique one to say the least. She was very out spoken, and didn’t care what anyone had to say. She did what she wanted to do and that was that. My mom gave my sister and I everything we needed, even if she didn’t have it for herself. Now I know that is what parents do. I helped her as much as I could. Almost everything I helped my mom with when I was younger prepared me for the future. Some things I did have to figure out, but don’t we all have to do that? I guess in a way the world was preparing me for life with out her. Of course I wasn’t thinking about that then right?Now that I look back on it, Life prepares you for the unexpected all the time.
My Mom…. Was a kind soul, even though she didn’t take crap from anyone. My mom was at every sporting event my sister and I had. I can still hear her screaming “BUD, FOLLOW YOUR SHOT” Bud is and was what my parents called me growing up. My dad still calls me that today =) My Mom was always giving me advice, even if I didn’t ask for it. She was my rock, my sidekick of sorts. We had a great relationship, she trusted me and if I got out of line I knew her motherly instinct would kick in.
My Mom…. It’s hard for me to remember specific things about my mom other than those. I guess when people/loved ones have been gone for a long time those memories fade so you can create new ones. The memories I keep of my mom are good one of course, but at the same time the sadness of her not being here makes me angry and sad still 17 years later. Angry because she isn’t here for me, Angry because I had to grow up quick, and miss out on things I may have thought of doing. I’m also sad because she isn’t here. I’m sad that she will never meet her granddaughters. I’m sad that she left my dad alone in this world. I’m sad that she never got to meet my beautiful wife, I’m sad that every mothers days I have tears in my eyes.
My Mom…. The good in the above paragraph is that it’s ALL OK to feel this way. It’s ok to be angry, its ok to be sad, its ok to be pissed off that your mom/dad etc isn’t with you. Do you know why? because they ARE with you. They are with you every single day of your life. They are in your heart, they are in the air, they are in that sudden breeze that you feel out of nowhere, they are in your dreams. They are the ones that leave (Dimes) in random places (Thanks E for that one) BTW that is a thing, Look it up if you don’t believe me. =)
My point is friends, It is OK to feel anyway you want when you lose a loved one. Its called Grieving. It took me a long time and a lot of soul-searching to realize that this is all ok. It took years of counseling and practice to accept what I have had and still am going through everyday. I live my life now as if my mom is with me. I talk to her all the time, because I know she hears me and is proud of the man I have become. So remember, there are “Good Grievings”
Losing someone sucks. It sucks big time, but it’s a part of life. That’s the easy part to accept. Everyone grieves in different ways. Some drink, some turn to drugs, some turn to food to comfort and suppress the anxiety and pain. Let me tell you, that isn’t the way!!!!
The process didn’t really start for me untill my mom passed. Even though I had 3 close family members pass before this. I thought I was fine I was working and hanging out and suppressing it all. I thought I was good. I didn’t think I needed help. I was too distracted taking care of my dad, who was completely lost with out my mom. That wasn’t his fault it’s just how it turned out. My Mom did everything for us. I guess I kinda filled that roll. Without anything being taught to me, I somehow knew how to do things (paying bills etc…) even at 18.
I think it was about a year after my mom passed away my dad had to have back surgery which at the time seemed like the right thing to do. He came home and about a week later he lost complete control of his legs. Turned out it was a complication to the surgery. He wound up in the hospital for exactly thirty days, 30 longggg days. He then wound up in rehab for about a year after this.
Now what do I do???? My mom is gone my dad can’t walk and is in rehab and my sister and I didn’t really get along at this time (more on her in a bit) I’m alone in the big house saying “What the Fuck did I do to deserve this”??? I spent each day going to work and going to see my dad. Everyday!! I felt like he needed me there to be with him. I didn’t want him to be lonely. Well this all caught up to me. I wasn’t taking care of myself.
I woke up on a Monday about 2 years after my mom passed and I wanted to move but my body didn’t let me I had an anxiety attack. I was out of work for a week and didn’t do anything but eat sleep and watch TV. That’s when I realized I needed help and I needed it now!!
As you can see I was grieving but didn’t realize it. I was keeping myself distracted for what at the time seemed like good reasons, but I wasnt looking out for me. For sake I Lost my mom at 18, I know I’m not the only one to say this, and that’s why I’m here. To let YOU know there are “good grievings”