The drive

Whats up world/family/friends?IMG_0106

After my dad was done with his job that he was with for 25 years, he began to work in the flower shop next door to our house. This was the same flower shop my grandfather owned for years… Anyway, my dad started to work for Bob who had  owned the shop for 30 plus years after my grandfather owned it.  I would to work in the shop on holidays and deliver flowers for BoB. I always helped when I could.  I would shovel the sidewalks when it snowed. In flower shop people would order flowers for funerals and things as such.  Some would have to be delivered on Sundays when the shop would be closed. So I would go with my dad to bring them and sometimes we had to set them up.

Bob’s father had passed away in January of 2000 and the flowers for the funeral needed to be brought about an hour away from where we lived next to the shop. It happened to be a Sunday and of course I took the ride with my dad.  We would talk about different things, ya know father son talk.  We arrived at the funeral home and dropped off the flowers.  We both knew Bob’s father so of course we felt for his family just like anyone else would.

My dad and I got back in the van and started to drive home.  As I sit here on my couch writing this post, I specifically remember what part of the road we were on and what time it was as I said to my dad randomly. “Dad, if you were to pass away, I know exactly what mom would want me to do” but if mom passed away, I would have no clue what you would want me to do.   We both were quiet for a bit thinking of what I just said.  It upset me to think about that happening. A kid having a parent die!  No that can’t happen! My dad responded and said to me. “I don’t even know what I would want you to do” but I know your mom would know…..

Well as you know by now from my previous blog post my mother passed away 20 days after that ride home on February 17 2000.  I couldn’t believe just 3 weeks before that we had talked about not knowing what to do if either of my parents passed away, and now I say to myself “what do I do”?  Of course when you lose someone close to you like this you can’t believe it’s real. You think he or she will just wake up. You are numb, you are in denial, you are angry, sad, pissed off. Your anxiety is through the roof. You can’t sleep. You cry so much your face hurts.  If you are reading this you get my point.

When it’s all over, wake, mass/chapel eulogy and bypass (gotta eat right?)reality hits,  you are back to life  REAL LIFE  with just my dad, sister and me. I ask myself “What do I do”?  I couldn’t ask my dad since he was literally lost without my mom and my sister was only 15 and now going to grow up without a mom. I ask myself “what do I do”?  Honestly folks I never did find that answer. I just did what I felt my mom would have done. It’s as if she was and is with me the whole time.  People always would say “Tom, I don’t know how you do it. And I would say ” I just do”  It’s funny now that I think of it and just wrote it, I have had the answer the whole time ( I just do/did what I felt my mom would have done)

So through all the grief and hurt that I had been going through at that time there were good grieving’s. Knowing that all this time I have mostly done things the way I felt my mom would have done them. I guess what I am saying is, Take one moment, not day at a time and realize that there truly are “good grieving’s”

Cheers,

Tom

 

 

 

 

My Mom!!

What’s up world/friends/family?

My Mom…. Where do I start? She was my world, my mom taught me  almost everything I know in my 18 years with her. The funny thing is I don’t even remember her teaching me specifically.  I must have been a good observer as a kid. After she passed I turned into her, not literally obviously but you know what I mean.

My Mom…. She was a unique one to say the least. She was very out spoken, and didn’t care what anyone had to say. She did what she wanted to do and that was that. My mom gave my sister and I everything we needed, even if she didn’t have it for herself. Now I know that is what parents do. I helped her as much as I could. Almost everything I helped my mom with when I was younger prepared me for the future.   Some things I did have to figure out, but don’t we all have to do that?  I guess in a way the world was preparing me for life with out her.  Of course I wasn’t thinking about that then right?Now that I look back on it, Life prepares you for the unexpected all the time.

My Mom…. Was a kind soul, even though she didn’t take crap from anyone. My mom was at every sporting  event my sister and I had.  I can still hear her screaming “BUD, FOLLOW YOUR SHOT”  Bud is and was what my parents called me growing up. My dad still calls me that today =) My Mom was always giving me advice, even if I didn’t ask for it. She was my rock, my sidekick of sorts. We had a great relationship, she trusted me and if I got out of line I knew her motherly instinct would kick in.

My Mom…. It’s hard for me to remember specific things about my mom other than those. I guess when people/loved ones have been gone for a long time those memories fade so you can create new ones.  The memories I keep of my mom are good one of course, but at the same time the sadness of her not being here makes me angry and sad still 17 years later. Angry because she isn’t here for me, Angry because I had to grow up quick, and miss out on things I may have thought of doing. I’m also sad because she isn’t here. I’m sad that she will never meet her granddaughters. I’m sad that she left my dad alone in this world. I’m sad that she never got to meet my beautiful wife, I’m sad that every mothers days I have tears in my eyes.

My Mom…. The good in the above paragraph is that it’s ALL OK to feel this way.  It’s ok to be angry, its ok to be sad, its ok to be pissed off that your mom/dad etc isn’t with you. Do you know why? because they ARE with you. They are with you every single day of your life. They are in your heart, they are in the air, they are in that sudden breeze that you feel out of nowhere, they are in your dreams. They are the ones that leave (Dimes) in random places (Thanks E for that one) BTW that is a thing, Look it up if you don’t believe me. =)

My point is friends, It is OK to feel anyway you want when you lose a loved one. Its called Grieving. It took me a long time and a lot of soul-searching to realize that this is all ok. It took years of counseling and practice to accept what I have had and still am going through everyday. I live my life now as if my mom is with me.  I talk to her all the time, because I know she hears me and is proud of the man I have become.  So remember, there are “Good Grievings”

Cheers,

Tom

The Distraction

Losing someone sucks. It sucks big time, but it’s a part of life. That’s the easy part to accept.  Everyone grieves in different ways. Some drink, some turn to drugs, some turn to food to comfort and suppress the anxiety and pain.  Let me tell you, that isn’t the way!!!!

The process didn’t really start for me untill my mom passed. Even though I had 3 close family members pass before this.  I thought I was fine I was working and hanging out and suppressing it all.  I thought I was good. I didn’t think I needed help. I was too distracted taking care of my dad, who was completely lost with out my mom. That wasn’t his fault it’s just how it turned out. My Mom did everything for us.  I guess I kinda filled that roll. Without anything being taught to me, I somehow knew how to do things (paying bills etc…) even at 18.

I think it was about a year after my mom passed away my dad had to have back surgery which at the time seemed like the right thing to do. He came home and about a week later he lost complete control of his legs. Turned out it was a complication to the surgery.  He wound up in the hospital for exactly thirty days, 30 longggg days. He then wound up in rehab for about a year after this.

Now what do I do????  My mom is gone my dad can’t walk and is in rehab and my sister and I didn’t really get along at this time (more on her in a bit)  I’m alone in the big house saying “What the Fuck did I do to deserve this”???  I spent each day going to work and going to see my dad. Everyday!!  I felt like he needed me there to be with him. I didn’t want him to be lonely.  Well this all caught up to me. I wasn’t taking care of myself.

I woke up on a Monday about 2 years after my mom passed and I wanted to move but my body didn’t let me  I had an anxiety attack. I was out of work for a week and didn’t do anything but eat sleep and watch TV.  That’s when I realized I needed help and I needed it now!!

As you can see I was grieving but didn’t realize it. I was keeping myself distracted for what at the time seemed like good reasons, but I wasnt looking out for me.  For sake I Lost my mom at 18, I know I’m not the only one to say this, and that’s why I’m here. To let YOU know there are “good grievings”

Cheers,

Tom

 

 

 

 

 

The start of it all

It started in 1994, I was 12 and lost Ed who was like a grandfather to me.  Exactly 2 years later I lost my grandfather (my moms dad) in the very house I grew up in. Two years later I lost my grandmother (my dads mom) suddenly.

Being so young I really didn’t know what grieving was.  I didn’t know someone could be so upset over losing someone plus I had school and basketball to keep me distracted.  I didn’t know there could be “good grievings”

 

18 months after my grandmother died my world was totally flipped up side down.  I learned that my beautiful, caring, and compassionate mother had passed away. (More on this in a bit)  I had a few friends/family/acquaintances  pass away after my mom passed. The years I really can’t remember exactly.

Years passed and in June 2009 I lost my little sister Katie at the age of 25. A few years later I lost my father in law Ed. Most recently about a year ago I lost my courageous godsister Amanda at the age of 30. In May of last year Uncle Bob passed away unexpectedly.

Through all of this I have learned a lot and have lived my life to the fullest. I have learned that there are “good grievings”

Cheers,

Tom

 

 

 

About Me

For the last 3 years I have been contemplating doing this, and today I’m actually doing it. Doing it = #blogging

Hello,

My name is Thomas Biddulph, I’m 35 years old. I am married to my best friend and soul mate Alaina.  We have 2 girls, Brielle who is 4 and Cecilia who is 2.

My purpose is to not only help you, but also help myself with my posts.  I want you to know that there really are “good grievings” I want to tell my story so here is goes.

Cheers,

Tom