The aftermath and Grief

20 years sounds like a longtime and it is, but for me it seems like yesterday. I could explain to you in detail of what happened from beginning to end. From the distraught of losing my mom, to my swollen hand (which I used to shake hands with at the funeral) from punching a brick wall form the anger of finding out my mom passed. Then to the amount of people that showed up to pay respect to my mom. The amount of people who didn’t know what to say to me or my Dad and Sister, and just gave us a hugs. I could write another post on that alone.  The worst feeling besides losing my mom was at the end of it all. After the 2 day viewing and then to the church and then re-pass, it was the aftermath.  No one tells you about that, The emptiness you have when the adrenaline of the week starts to wear off and life as you thought you knew was going to be changed forever.

You get home and now your like “OK, What now’? I had no clue. I know this has happened to almost everyone after someone close passes. You try to get back to normal, but it feels so odd. You go back to school and work and you try just to get through. This is when the you really start grieving, at least for me. There weren’t many distractions and no one really to turn to, since everyone else is still trying to process why it was my Mother’s time to leave this world. You feel alone like no one understands you. You feel like no one will listen. Had I know what I know now then, I would know there are plenty of people that will listen. You just have to reach out for help. The aftermath of the funeral was so raw and emotions were running all the damn time. You get angry, frustrated, upset, pissed off, you don’t care. You sit and dream of how the family would be if this hadn’t had happened.  Life isn’t fair, but this was the hand I was dealt and I had to live and learn the hard way. I had to grow up in the blink of and eye and just do what I thought was right. Which for the most part I did OK…..

If you relate to this story, don’t feel like you are lost don’t feel abandoned.  There is always someone there to turn to trust me when I say this.  Hey, if you don’t know who to turn to turn to me, even if you don’t know me. I ‘m always willing to listen. I been at the lowest of lows and  I am the one who can help bring you back up.






I got thrown a curve ball

On the eve of my mom’s 20 year anniversary of her passing, I look back and remember that day as if it was yesterday. February 17, 2000 I didn’t even see the pitch coming, It felt like I got hit with the pitch and I couldn’t get up.  I think back and I could tell you an almost exact account of what happened from beginning to end of that day.  As the days  went on it still felt like I was getting hit  pitch after pitch. For a while I didn’t know how to dodge the pitches. Each thing I did brought a memory of my Mom.  If you have lost someone close like this, you probably know exactly what I mean.

My Mom was the glue to the family, she kept us together. If we got out of place, who was there smack us upside our head. As the weeks and months went on, I started figuring out how to dodge getting hit by those pitches and started swinging and missing. It felt like I couldn’t do anything right.  Not many people at 18 years old would know how to do things your parents always took care of. I got thrown into learning, and by learning I starting swinging and hitting those pitches I once was getting hit with, which felt like all the time. Luckily for me I did know a few things before my Mom died. I used to go food shopping for my Mom often, and also knew how to write a check correctly =)

Months and years went by and more hits start coming, but don’t get me wrong I was still getting hit by those pitches. You grow and learn to live without the most important person in your life. Yes it sucks, but you have to live on. My mom wouldn’t have wanted me to have done it any other way. It still amazes me how much I learned from my Mom in the short 18 years I had with her. It is crazy that I have made it through 20 years, Then again after what I have done in that time frame, it really isn’t so crazy. So tomorrow I will be sad, I will not sulk, I may cry, I will be happy, I will sit with the feelings that come. I may get hit with a pitch, but you better believe I’m going to try and hit a home run in honor of my sweet Mother.

Be yourself, Love yourself, Sit with the feeling that come. Its ok if you feel like you are getting hit with those pitches. What matters is the day you learn how to hit that curve ball, just like I did.


I love you Mom 2-10-53 / 2-17-00









The Excitement is building

In 6 days I will be apart an inspirational group of individuals who speak about grief. I’m eager to hear each ones take about grief and how they get through. I met the host of this online summit through Twitter. The whole thing happened so fast. Melo said she found me through another person I followed. Melo then followed me and like I usually do I thanked her for following me and Melo replied back. After a long convo she asked me if I would be interested in joining her summit, which she has done for the past 3 years. I was like hell yea I would love to.

My point to this story is, you never know who is going to literally stumble into your life. Take the time to thank others for things they do for you. Even if it’s little things like following you on a social platform. You never know where it can lead you.

If you wish to be apart of this, and hear how others handle and get through grief. Or if you just wanna listen cause it’s your thing. Click the link below and it will direct you to the site to join.

Hey you, come listen in

Hey all, several weeks ago I was honored to chat with my buddy Jasmine “Jazz” @thiswomenfromnyc on her podcast. We talked about several topics around grief, and also how I handle grief. Click the link below to hear the whole interview.

I chatted with Tom Biddulph who is a fellow blogger extraordinaire who created the blog called Good Grievings ( Having lost his close loved ones, he wanted to establish a place where fellow readers can feel comforted as they go through their stages of grief all while respecting the memories of lost loved ones. In this episode, we shared a soulful conversation discusses about his views on grief, thoughts on his journey reclaiming spirituality and is latest coaching venture.
— Read on–6–Tom-Biddulph-e7s7ed

The Most Valuable thing Learned

I recently was asked a question by one of my new followers this past week that really stumped me.  I really had to think about my answer, even though after I got my answer I said to myself I should have known that.

The question was, What was the most Valuable thing you have learned on your grief journey?   My reply was how much I learned from my Mom in the short 18 years  we had together. Its kinda like If you knew what you knew now back then, things would be different, but you live and you learn.  Its amazing how much you absorb from your parents both good and bad that you don’t realize it until you are older.

I look back and think about all the shit had to handle and all the things I had to make decisions on. I think about it and realize maybe my Mom was living with in me and subconsciously helping me make those decisions…. Since I know she wasn’t ready to die and leave her boy alone in this world. Or maybe it was just me and how I picked up on the things my mom did while she was on this earth.  All I know is that I still have tough decisions to make in life and I know somewhere out there my mom is smiling down saying good job “BUD”

2 questions for you that I would love to find out the answers to

What was your most valuable lesson or thing you have learned on your grief or life journey?

What was one question you were asked to answer that stumped you?

I would love to hear from you.

If I get enough responses I would love to make it into another blog post

Answer away






Practicing meditation reduced my anxiety

If you have tried everything in this world to lesson your anxiety and you can’t grasp why you still feel the way you do, try meditating. When I started meditating 10 weeks ago my anxiety dropped off drastically. I now have the tools to make me gain more clarity and think without reacting to negative situations so quickly. There are plenty of guided meditations on YouTube you can search for. I prefer guided meditations, because it keeps me in the moment, although I have started to try to meditate on my own (not the easiest transition).

I also wanted to thank everyone who listened to my latest podcast over the weekend. I love putting my story and experiences out there for everyone to read and listen to. We all go through shit and I want others to know that you aren’t alone, and don’t have to go through life angry and depressed. That’s why I’m here starting my Intuitive grief coaching to help you gain more clarity. To help you get those feelings out in a private environment. To help you understand that it is ok to smile and be happy while grieving. I will be offering my coaching to anyone interested please feel free to email me at for more information.

I’m in this with you.

Here is the link to the podcast–6–Tom-Biddulph-e7s7ed

I was left speechless after meditation

Last Saturday night I attended a workshop hosted by Barbara. Let me tell you, she is awesome at what she does. She is an awesome soul and is so easy to listen to. I went to this workshop without any expectations. I didn’t not know what was going to happen, which is totally out of my comfort zone. I arrived there and my heart was racing, and I was nervous! Here I am walking into this place with a yoga mat and a bottle of water. I’m even thinking now, this isn’t me. I never use a yoga mat. I knew I had to do this, I kept being pushed and I never hesitated going. As I walk in I am directed on where to go. I place my mat down and took a seat. There were not that many people there yet since you know I had to arrive early.

I sat and waited, still nervous and my anxiety was high, but I felt calm at the same time. I sat and waited, and we started. We went around the room and introduced ourselves. Turns out I was the only male there for a specific reason. There were two other guys there just there for the experience. I knew I was there for more than that. I knew that this was going to start to change my life, even though I was super nervous.

The Mediation started and WOW. Emotions start going and all the shit I was dealing with at the moment was being released. It was an amazing experience. I left there in awe, I texted my wife that I was on my way home. As I got home she asked how it went and I honestly couldn’t put it into words. I was speechless. I was speechless because I have put this meditation thing off for so long. Imagine if I would have started it sooner in life. It is what it is and now I’m here.

The biggest takeaway for me is being grounded and protecting myself. There is so much energy around and I am a person who can sense it and consume it. Meditation is not something that will fix your problems. We are all human, we have to solve our problems our own way. Mediation is a way to make you realize what you are holding onto and can let it go with practice. I’m definitely looking forward to what the next weeks have in store for me. Did you mediate today?

My new Endeavor

What up what up? So, I know it has been a while since my last post. I have been thinking, working, procrastinating, contemplating, procrastinating a little more and maybe just being lazy. Finally I’m am here, and will be here foreverrerrrr. (Did ya get it? The sandlot!)

Last week while on our trip to Charlotte, NC for our 10yr wedding anniversary getaway (without our kids). My wife and I were finally able to have some really deep conversations without any interruptions. After pushing her to just put her new website out there Alaina, she pushed me to make my announcement with what I want to do in my journey in life.

Below is the actual tweet I sent out. It was so freeing and a huge weight off my shoulders. For now it is more of an accountability factor, since I have a lot of leg work to get this up and going. For now, I will work with my life coach to help me get aligned in my life so that I’m fully ready to help you. Help you deal with life after a loss, deal with grief, maybe just deal with plain old life itself. I want to help you, and give you the advice I didn’t get in my younger years.

Make sure to enter your email at the top of the page on my site, so that you will be notified when my new site is up and I’m ready to guide through grief and really show you goodgrievings