Yes, I quoted Biggie’s Best album… I haven’t been wanting to write for a while now, I even thought about just not writing at all anymore, then something changed. The smallest things can quickly change your thought process. An email from a friend asking for advice gave me a kickstart to share more of what I have been dealing and living with.
Ever since my dad died, I was constantly saying “now I have to take my own advice” The advice and words I was giving to you to read and take were now for me to take on personally. Self care, releasing all the negative thoughts, remember the good times you had with your loved ones, take the time to grieve, don’t suppress, express. Every one of those things I had to do, and it is HARD! I said to myself, who I am to give this advice when I wasn’t doing it for myself. This is the kind of self sabotage that can make you spiral downhill, and you are the only one to catch yourself.
I have sat with feelings and it sucks, but also freeing. The emptiness I have felt with my dad not being here is/was unbareable. The mindset I am strengthing tells me that its a feeling that you can release. You can know its there and be aware and let it pass, cause my old man wouldn’t want me to live like that, he’s always with me anyway. I have had calls with a grief counselor that has helped me understand the levels of grief and why we feel them. I also saw how you can unknowingly skip around the “the stages of grief” and than they can resurface.
I have had continuous conversations with my personal counselor. They have made me aware of things that I have not dealt with from when my mom passed 20yrs ago. It is truly amazing what can come up when you just talk things out. I have had conversations with my wife about the feelings I have had about my dad that have brought up fond memories of him. Don’t get me wrong, I still go to call him and then remember I can’t, and who knows when that will go subside. I still have days when I miss him tremendously, then there are days when I am doing good and remembered he isn’t here. Its amazing how the mind works, but in the end we control everything we put it in. I would have struggled so much more through this last 7 months and 5 days since the death of my dad, had I not taken these steps and taken my own advice.
My point with everything I have written above is listen to what your gut is telling you. Follow your heart and mind with what you know is right. Remember all the good times you had and smile/laugh with those feelings. If those feelings suck, sit with them, they will pass and be aware that they are there. Acknowledging these feelings will make you feel better in the long run. I know that last line sounds like it cant be done and wont work, but take it from me and just try it. Keep trying it, Keep pushing yourself to be better, Keep moving along in life, because that is exactly what they would want you and I to do.
Happy Thanksgiving! Keep smiling and shining your light
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