finding the good after loss

the blog

June 16, 2020

Death leaves scars of heartache

Posted in: Healing

Have you ever felt such heartache after a loved one dies, that you think it will never fade a way? Have you ever had such heartache that you can’t handle how much it hurts that you cant talk to that person any longer? We all have, its apart of grieving. Although that heartache never really fades it does get easier to deal with. I saw a picture (Below) of my grandmother a few days ago. I used to spend weeks at a time in the summer at her house when I was younger. I saw that picture and that ache came back and then quickly faded. I always remember someone that passes away one way. Its like the mind gives you one lasting imagine. As the years pass you tend to only remember that image and then you see a different one and you kinda miss them more. Isn’t it fascinating how the mind works? As soon as I saw that picture of my Grandma I stared at it and said “man I miss you grandma” Its now been 22 years since she has passed. That heartache isn’t what it used to be, but it was there that day I saw that picture.

The heartache we feel is different for each person, just like you grieve differently with each death. The heartache I have that my sister isn’t here comes up most on her anniversary (6/28) and on her birthday. My heartache is much stronger for my god-sister than my actual sister….. I used to be hard on myself for this and question it. Like how could that be? I guess thats just how it goes. When you lose someone one minute you think you are just fine, and the next you could be balling in the corner. The ache over my dad affects me more than I think at times. The triggers are all around me. You feel like they come out of no where but they are there all the time. We just don’t seem them, cause we either are not taking care of ourselves or keep telling ourselves “we are good”

We are not good though, the loss of my dad and how I handle it isn’t just going to go away. Its like another full time job. Yea, I may push it to the side when busy with other things (that is totally ok too) but you have to bring it back. You have to deal with that heartache. The more you push it to the side and not face it, the more it will creep up on you and boom, there is a trigger. I have been in several conversations with my counselor in recent weeks. One of the best pieces of advice I have received from her was. When I’m at my weakest point and triggered, I need to ground myself and tell myself to be in the moment, be in present time. Its like training your mind so that you are aware of what you actually have in front of you. I’m not saying forget about the sadness, because that will be there. Live in the now and be there for who or what is around you. I have defiantly kept this advice in the back of my head, so that I am in the now. The heartache you feel right now is real and it will fade, but it will never go away. I miss my Mom and Dad more than ever, and I know for a fact that they are always on either side of me helping my heartache ease. Be kind to yourself, smile and know that you can get through.

  1. Excellent advice T. Being in the moment – and training your mind to be present – helps you and I feel whatever’s there. Namely, the fear-pain we cling to regarding the death of loved ones.

    PS….the kid in the red sweat pants needs to eat something.

  2. Jazz says:

    Sweet message 🙏🏽 The part where your counselor suggested to stay in the present so true and healing. Xoxo

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