The past 6 weeks have been a struggle, although I haven’t felt the emptiness I did a few weeks ago. Losing my Dad was a shock but also I’m am more comforted that he doesn’t have to deal with his health issues. There is this feeling I get when I think about it that just makes me feel good. Like a relief, it really affected me that I couldn’t do anything for him. I couldn’t help him fix his issues.
Anyway, I have been speaking with my counselor. A question was asked about my Mom. She asked me if there is anything I hold against my Mom right now. My response was so fast, It was like I flipped a switch and the light went on, I said YES! I am angry that I had to grow up so fast and then take care of my Dad. It’s amazing the things that come up, that you think you have dealt with and overcome but haven’t. Don’t get me wrong it is something I had to do, and I did a pretty damn good job. But, what if I didn’t have to grow up so fast? What if I didn’t have to face the fact my Mom died so young? What if I wasn’t 18 when she died. Would my Dad have had the health issues that he had?
I do understand now that my life was planned to be this way. It was planned for me to only make me stronger, and now to do what I’m doing here, Blogging and helping others. The next thing my counselor suggested I do is write a letter to my Mom. Write whatever comes up, and ask questions. Then I thought I could use those questions in my meditation to maybe get some kind of answers. I haven’t done it yet, but this is my first step. This step is to suggest to you, the person reading this to do the same thing. Write a letter. Even if it’s just to get the anxiety and pain out of your head and onto paper. It will help you. Why do you think I created this blog?
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