There is nothing like the Jersey Shore!! The beach/boardwalk/food… ya get it. As I sit here just relaxing with some Zach Brown on and my toes in the sand, I can’t but help to think how it would be with my mom here with us. Growing up I hated the beach. I would always need an umbrella and things to keep me occupied for the day. My Mom would have to drag me with her. For some reason I kept going, probably because when I was younger I didn’t have a choice. As I got older I kept going, maybe it was meant for me to keep going since life was gonna throw me that curve ball when my mom passed.
Here we are today, I am at my place of Zen relaxing. My kids are having a blast, playing in the water and sand (nothing like how I was). I sit here knowing my mom is watching us and the girls enjoy the hell out of the Jersey Shore. She would be so happy being around her grandkids. But I know now that it was all meant to be like this. It was meant for me to be so happy even after all the tragedy and pain I had to go through. As you all know now, I’m defiantly ok with and have accepted it.
I’m gonna enjoy these last couple days of our trip and soak up some sun! I’m gonna drink some beers, I’m gonna eat some delicious food, I’m gonna embrace my life as I know it and keep on living my life, but also continue to keep the memories of my Mom with me and know that she is always with my family wherever we go.
Till next time,
So, I went to the cemetery yesterday with just my youngest. I was gonna bring flowers, then thought it’s to hot and they will die quick. Instead with both picked some small wild flowers growing in the grass and put them on the headstone. I started to explain to my 3yr about the whole process of why people go to cemeteries. She was just asking but why dada, but why? I told her that my mommie and sister are in the ground below us. She proceeds to start playing in the grass trying to see the dirt. Now some of you may see this as strange for me to explain to a 3 yr old about the whole process, but it’s really amazing how interested she was about it. She’s at the age that she wants to know things. Weather she understands or not, it will at least sink in one day.
We went about our visit of putting the flowers on the head stone and me showing her and telling her what names are on the headstone. We both sang “you are my sunshine”. I asked her if she wants to sing or say anything else and she proceeded to say “yes, I wanna sing God our father”. This was a prayer that she and her sister said during school before their day started. She went on to sing and of course had me tearing up. She went on putting more flowers on the headstone because they started blowing away in the wind. We said our good byes and got in the car. It was an experience in itself. I believe she at least knows that they are in heaven because she always reminds me when we talk about my mom and sister. Happy smiling, your loved ones are always with you.
I have been looking forward to this trip for months. One of the main reasons is for the girls to see family and actually remember it all. They were 3 yrs old and 18 months the last time. It’s gonna be a blast watching them enjoy each day.
There are plenty of other reasons why I’m going to enjoy our trip. Being with family and friends, spending time with my wife on date nights etc. I also look forward to heading to the cemetery to visit my mom and sister grave. Deep down it really hurts that I can’t go as often as I did. I used to be able to go whenever I wanted. I used to go and just talk to them (even though I know they can both hear me at anytime 😉). I used to go and just sit in my car and think, how did I/we end up like this? Why did we end up like this? Everything happens for a reason… If my mom did not pass when I was so young I believe I wouldn’t be who I am today. If my sister didn’t pass when she was so young, I wouldn’t have what I have today. So I ll head there with my girls and hug them and I ll do what I always did. I’ll sing “you are my sunshine” to them and have a good cry and go about day. I’ll show my girls that it’s ok to be sad, even though I’m one of the happiest guys on the planet. I have excepted my life as it is now, without a Mom and sister. I ll continue to live my life knowing they are always around me. I’ll continue living my life knowing that I’m doing the best I can do, and sometimes asking myself (what would my mom do) in difficult situations. I ll keep on smiling.
As the title says “enjoying my life” which my original post was going to be about, I thought I would share with you what I did above. So I guess you ll get a 2 for 1 blog today haha.
My wife and I had a date night a few weeks ago. Friday night as been our date night since our town has a summer concert series. One Friday they had a Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute from a band called Tuesday’s Gone. What an awesome band, and great atmosphere. Skynyrd was one of my father in laws favorites. As the night went on and the music kept playing I kept thinking to myself and said “man Eddie would be having a blast” I could imagine him with a beer in his hand standing next to us doing his silly whole body dance without moving is feet (which only he could accomplish). I could imagine him singing along and smiling, just living it up. I teared up a bit just knowing he is physically missing out on enjoying all of this. Man It sucks, but I know he is with me doing that silly dance and although not drinking a beer, he’s knowing I’m enjoying myself and grieving in a good way remembering his great taste of music.