finding the good after loss

the blog

May 23, 2017

Losing my sister – 6 weeks before my wedding

Posted in: My Grief Story

Where do I start with this one?  Some of you that know me probably have a smirk on your face right now.  I know I do ūüėÄ. My sister was just like my mom she was one of a kind.  She didn’t give a crap what people thought about her and she did what she wanted to do.  We were close growing. We got along like any brother/sister did fighting and arguing lol. All jokes aside it was fun having a little sister. She knew I would be there to protect her at all costs especially at school since we were in the same one together both grammar and high school. As we got older we had our own friends and own lives.  We kinda did our own thing. She was involved with bowling at school and I was playing basketball.  She supported me and came to the games with my parents.  She was a freshman and I a senior.  I don’t know if she really wanted to go or my mom dragged her.  My sister probably didn’t want to be there since my mom started yelling “follow your shot” to everyone on the team and not just me. Anyway, my little sis was 15 when my mom died.  From my previous posts you get now how I felt after this happened.   I still and now never will know how she felt.  I mean she probably didn’t even know how she felt at 15 right?  Things went down hill with our relationship after Mom died.  She wanted to do what she wanted to do no matter what. I mean she was 15 and now motherless so I get it, be rebellious.  There was nothing that could change that. She was who she was.

Time went on after my mom died and we all were trying to get back to our lives. My sister and I barely spoke cause we couldn’t speak without screaming at each other, which made it all worse.  My sister wound up staying with a friend after she graduated high school in 2002.  This is when I was in the house by myself.  My sister would come home here and there to get things and it was just a Hi and Bye. I had so much hostility towards her.  I was trying my best to be normal and “do things how my mom would have done them” and she’s out having a grand old time.  I’m like “what did I do to deserve this”?

I did try to mend the relationship but we were so broken that one little thing would set off an argument.  There are 2 things I wish we would have done 1. Me not getting help on my own right away and 2. us all going to family counseling. Would it have helped? Who knows.  So I speak to you, if you are in this situation, seek the help you need. Whether it is family or one on one counseling. It works, and I am living proof of it.   I wouldn’t been here writing to help you if I didn’t get the help I needed. Years passed and my sister didn’t change until she met a guy who she eventually got engaged to.   He was a cool guy a little quiet, totally opposite of my sister. (Opposites attract they say) My Sis changed a lot after she met him.  He seemed to bring out the bright side in her.

Our relationship was on the way up. We would text or call to see how each other was.  Everything was kinda normal. We both had good jobs.  Her and my girlfriend then, now wife connected and got along really well.  Kinda like sister she never had.  It was good to see my dad happy that we were getting along again.Then it happened. It was a Sunday night. My wife and we’re watching TV and I got a call at 9pm. It was my sisters fianc√©.

He said Tom, your sister had an accident
and she’s in the hospital. He said she collapsed.

I was like ok call me and let me know. I called my dad and told him and then told him I will call him back. My Sisters fianc√© called back not even 5 mins later and said “Umm Tom, Katie died”. I was like how?   I said I’ll be right there.

I panicked, I asked my wife how
am I going to tell my dad my sister is dead.

I was all over the place. Her and I got dressed and drove to my dad’s house. He was waiting there and somehow I knew he knew she had died without me even saying anything.  Now I’m like I have to go to the hospital which was an hour away. Neither my dad or wife wanted me to drive and it was 11pm on a Sunday night. Luckily I have great friends.  One of my good friends came to pick me up and drove me to the hospital.  He was trying to keep my mind off of the situation but it really didn’t work.

I was reliving my worst nightmare all over again. “My little Sister died”. How the fuck does that happen?  “What did I do to deserve this”?

We get to the hospital and there waiting was my sister fianc√©, my godparents my two aunts and my uncle.  I had only had called my Aunt since she lived right there.  This is what family does, they come together in times of despair and I’m grateful to them for that.  As soon as I got there I completely broke down. I hadn’t cried since it all started. I was in complete denial (first stage of grief). I asked to see my sister but I had got there too late.  They said they had to go through procedure and so she was already in a body bag (sorry to be so visual) I did though get to have a minute with her by ourselves.

After everything that happened after I talked to my sister is still foggy to this day.  I guess everyone was there to make sure I was ok. My best man at my wedding had came to the hospital also. I’m not even sure how he found out.  You really know who your true friends are in times like this.  I headed back home and all we talked about was my sister and the memories.  It was her time to go. God chose her to do better things in the next life. To watch over me and my dad.

Just when I was finally accepting that my mom wasn’t here (one of the last stages of grievings) my sister is gone. So what now? Start all over again?

For some reason it wasn’t as hard.  Don’t get me wrong I miss my sister and hate she isn’t here. But, my grief for her was and is different. Maybe it was because our relationship was shaky until the end. I don’t know!  I do miss that she isn’t here for my girls and the fact that the bro/sis relationship will never be there. I learned that it’s all ok.  It’s ok to feel however you want or however your body is going to make you feel.

It’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to punch walls, not ok but it was in the moment  ( I did this after my mom died and needed X-rays)

Folks I may have not specifically talked about how good grievings is put into this whole post, but as you can see I’m writing about it.  It’s my way to counsel myself and get my words out. It’s a way for you to read this and for me to let you know, you are not alone in death.  You have family like I had waiting for me at the hospital. You have friends.  If for some reason you don’t have the support you need. There is help out there.  You need to seek it, it won’t come to you. Please know there are “Good Grievings” in times of despair.


  1. Anonymous says:

    how I remember…great writings Tom!

  2. Hi T,

    Seeing you share your experiences is empowering other folks to do the same. All the healing happens in the hurting. Your cousin never went for X-Rays – although I should have – but
    punched walls and did other rough stuff after dealing with feelings I buried. How terrible in the moment but how freeing in the moment, and for the long term too.

    Thanks for sharing, as always.


    • tbiddulph says:


      Much appreciated cuz. It is defiantly freeing when I write. I’m glad you are enjoying my post


  3. Anonymous says:

    This was amazing and I appreciate you sharing your heart. It is a blessing that you want to help others in their grieving process. Proud to call you my brother. I love you dude!

    • tbiddulph says:

      Thank you for reading bro. It was great talking with you guys today. We need to do it more. Appreciate the support!!


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