My Grieving

The whole point of this blog is not just tell my story about what I have been through, but to tell you how I have made it through all the tragedy and lived my life the way I do.  I’m a regular guy who works at a regular job, A regular family guy (no pun intended) I have struggled mightily through it all. For a while I did let everything get to me.  I was lost, a young kid not knowing how to deal with everything I had to deal with.  If you have read my previous posts you get what I mean.  So, although I had work and school and friends to hang with, I was hurting, hurting that I didn’t have my mom and now my dad who was dealing with his own medical stuff. And of course my sister who didn’t want to be bothered with anything.  I suppressed it all (swept it under the rug) All of it.  I kept busy all the time.  I dreaded being home, since I was all alone in this big house.  I was in the angry stage of grieving  and beginning to get depressed.  I was angry my mom wasn’t here and angry that my dad ended up in rehab after his surgery.  I was depressed because I knew nothing would ever be the same.  I wouldn’t have that happy-go-lucky family that would go on vacation together and all that good stuff.  I kept saying “what do I do now” Like many other people in dark times I avoided the grief and everything that came with it. I turned to the quick fixes that made me more depressed, more angry. All I was doing was suppressing the issues at hand. This is why I stated in one of my previous posts that THIS IS NOT THE WAY to do it folks.

After I had come to the realization that that wasn’t the way to fix things I tried to again do it on my own.  I prayed, I cried, I screamed.  I of course did this all in private.  I wasn’t a mess walking around in public. People would have thought I was crazy. I put the smiling face on because well as Jenna Rose says in the title of her book Life goes on which I need to read and you should to😊.(you can find it on amazon)  Trust me life goes on.  I had to keep pushing forward (that’s what my mom would have wanted me to do) even though I was dealing with all these feelings that I had no clue how to deal with at freaking 19-20 years old!!!  I kept trying but I had no one to talk to about it.  I mean I did have family to talk to but I one, didn’t want to bother them all the time and two, I felt bad since I was always saying to myself, ” they are dealing with their own issues” why do they wanna hear about mine?

I contemplated for a while going to talk to someone, but I didn’t want anyone to know.  I guess I was embarrassed that I needed more help than I thought.  Point is folks, is if you need help in any way to deal with issues that you can’t fix on your own, It is ok to ask and or talk to someone.  That someone being a counselor or psychologist.  After a few weeks I gave in and gave it a shot.  I went through my EAP program through work and found this awesome counselor that I started going to talk with.  The reason I need for this to get out is to let you know It’s ok, It’s ok To admit you need help.  Don’t be afraid don’t be embarrassed or ashamed. You control your life, only you can be the one to know what you need. I went to talk with her and I went as often as I needed to.  I was going three times a week for months. I didn’t have one problem with it, well at first I was hesitant of what I should talk about but I did a little at a time.  I see it has this, you are paying the person to help you and if you aren’t taking about what is really bothering you than what’s the point. Right?   If you are reading this and in the position I was in years ago please give it a try to talk about it.  The biggest regret I have about the whole process is that I didn’t look for help sooner.

So, I went a couple of times a week and then once a week because I started to learn different techniques to use to help myself overcome situations.  I learned that taking deep breaths when feeling stressed/anxiety works. Trust me it works. Try it! Think of something that really bothers you. Then think of something that you want to do or a place you want to go. If it worked great, if not keep trying because there are “Good Grievings” After I went once a week for a few years I started to test myself and go when I needed to go. Problem with that was I always waited too long. I would get moody and short-tempered. A real prick to be around. I now can admit that cause its the truth. (Its Acceptance, the last step in the grieving process) I found myself going just to relieve the stress and not practicing what I was taught.  It’s as if the anxiety took over and didn’t let me work on the things I needed to work on and going to the counselor was the quick fix.  A quick fix cause I could just get things off my chest and I felt better. I continued to go every three weeks or so for several years. At each session I got better at handling situations and stayed away being depressed. I learned a lot through counseling. I learned that there are different ways to take action of your feelings and not lash out at others. I learned that taking the memories of the loved ones lost with you everyday is part of what I’m getting at “Good Grievings” my friends. Good Grievings means taking the good times, the memories and any other positive thoughts, and dreams you can think of with you everyday and the 5 stages of grief that you will eventually go through will be a little easier.  remember there are  “good grievings”

Cheers,

Tom

4 thoughts on “My Grieving”

  1. Tom,

    This is it bro. Admitting you feel a certain way and then FEELING it no matter how terrible. It is the way to grieve. The way to get through. The way to heal. The way to reframe the past without it being the paralyzing nightmare it once was. It is the way to still feel hurt and sad and depressed sometimes, but to not be totally paralyzed by the loss of loved ones, or by any trauma.

    Get help guys. See a therapist. Scream into a pillow, in the quiet of your home. Cry into a pillow. It works. Really, really well. Because when you feel what is there you can free yourself of what once had a firm grip on you.

    Thanks Cuz.

    Ryan

    1. Yes yes yes Ryan,
      Admitting and accepting are key to any dark situation. It is scary to deal with. You have 2 choices. Let’s hope most people make the choice that I did and get the help they need.

      Appreciate you Ryan, Thank you

  2. I bought the Life Goes On book off Amazon. Sounds like a great book. Looking forward to reading through it. Thanks for the recommendation.

    1. Steve,
      Thanks man. I’m glad you are following along. I’m here for ya man. I feel the pain you are going through. Keep your head up brother. Let me know how you like the book. I ll be sure to let her know you purchased it.

      Tom

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