20 years sounds like a longtime and it is, but for me it seems like yesterday. I could explain to you in detail of what happened from beginning to end. From the distraught of losing my mom, to my swollen hand (which I used to shake hands with at the funeral) from punching a brick wall form the anger of finding out my mom passed. Then to the amount of people that showed up to pay respect to my mom. The amount of people who didn’t know what to say to me or my Dad and Sister, and just gave us a hugs. I could write another post on that alone. The worst feeling besides losing my mom was at the end of it all. After the 2 day viewing and then to the church and then re-pass, it was the aftermath. No one tells you about that, The emptiness you have when the adrenaline of the week starts to wear off and life as you thought you knew was going to be changed forever.
You get home and now your like “OK, What now’? I had no clue. I know this has happened to almost everyone after someone close passes. You try to get back to normal, but it feels so odd. You go back to school and work and you try just to get through. This is when the you really start grieving, at least for me. There weren’t many distractions and no one really to turn to, since everyone else is still trying to process why it was my Mother’s time to leave this world. You feel alone like no one understands you. You feel like no one will listen. Had I know what I know now then, I would know there are plenty of people that will listen. You just have to reach out for help. The aftermath of the funeral was so raw and emotions were running all the damn time. You get angry, frustrated, upset, pissed off, you don’t care. You sit and dream of how the family would be if this hadn’t had happened. Life isn’t fair, but this was the hand I was dealt and I had to live and learn the hard way. I had to grow up in the blink of and eye and just do what I thought was right. Which for the most part I did OK…..
If you relate to this story, don’t feel like you are lost don’t feel abandoned. There is always someone there to turn to trust me when I say this. Hey, if you don’t know who to turn to turn to me, even if you don’t know me. I ‘m always willing to listen. I been at the lowest of lows and I am the one who can help bring you back up.