Quick thoughts

Not everyone can be super positive and upbeat each day.  There are days when I am feeling anxious, there are days when I feel down. If you follow me on twitter you may see me sending positive vibes and cheering others on.  You may see my feed and say to yourself, “wow this guy has got it together”  For the most part I do, and I love the connections I have made on social media. There are some days I just need to step back and let the day unfold.  If any specific day has me down, I have learned to tell myself that tomorrow is a new day.

With today being National Grief Awareness Day I wanted to thank those of you who signed the petition that I shared on Twitter. This petition was put out by Ms, Angie Cartwright in hopes that our government would recognize this day each year. I loved what she said on the site that I’m about to share.  https://www.change.org/p/declare-august-30th-national-grief-awareness-day   “silent grief, can become deadly grief”  I also wanted to mention that in the past week I have been seeing grief being talked about more and more.  Grief is not something that should be put to the side.  Grief is real and the more we talk about it, the more others who have lost loved ones will realize they aren’t alone in the process

Speaking about grief, can you grieve someone who is still with you? Think about that for a second. I have been thinking about that all week. You see my oldest daughter started kindergarten this week.  When I was driving her to school I thought about giving her, her first bath in the hospital when she was born, and my eyes welled up with tears.  So, the answer is YES! You can grieve someone that is still with you. I have been grieving that my baby isn’t a baby anymore. Everyone may interpret this differently since everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. My point is that you/we need to recognize it and speak about it no matter what. Thank you for reading my random thoughts about my week. live,laugh,love

Cheers,

Tom

 

 

 

I used to

I used to get upset when I saw a tv show where a son hugged his mom. I used to get emotional when I would see a son hug his mom in public. I used to get upset when I saw a family of 4, like mine growing up out at dinner. I used to get so angry that that wasn’t going to be us anymore. I used to ask god why and get mad at him. I used to just curl up and stay in bed. I used to be that one person that no one wanted to be around, because I was so miserable. I used to be so upset I would cry and scream because my mom wasn’t here with me.

Fast forward 9 in a half years. My sisters dies on the way to the hospital. It was an hour away from where I was, she died from a heart attack. Now, times all that what I said above by 2. I mean really, why me I asked myself? I used to, I used to, I used to. Don’t get me wrong, I still do. I still get that emptiness in the pit of my stomach when I see others families out and about. I still do get that feeling when a son hugs his Momma. It’s different now though. With all I have been through, with all the help along the way, with the writing, with the strength of my wife, I actually smile. I smile knowing they have each other. I smile knowing they get to spend that quality time. I smile knowing my mom is right by my side. I know it sounds strange, but if you are in the dark now you can turn that around. I didn’t say it was easy. That’s why I am here and chose to put my heart out. It’s to reach you or maybe someone else to get where I am. I am not perfect, I think about how life would be if my mom was still here all the time. Just last night at dinner I told my wife that I don’t think I would be the same person as I am if my mom was here.

Everyone has days when they are sad, depressed, anxious. I’m the same way! You may see me on twitter promoting positivity and all that good stuff, but I have my days. I do get anxious and sad. What works for me is 1. Deep Deep breaths. Like one of those clear your mind breaths. Breath in with the positivity, and out with the negative crap

2. Remembering how your loved one was and how they made you happy “taking the memories of your loved ones with you wherever you go.

Keep smiling, keep shining. It’s the only way I know. If you are really feeling down, come back and read some of earlier posts and see that you are not alone in the crazy world. Till next time goodgrievings

Cheers,

Tom

Grieving our Cat

I never had a pet growing up. It honestly never came up in  conversation.  Now that I think about it, its kinda strange we didn’t have one. What kid doesn’t want to have a cute little kitten or puppy running around.  My youngest daughters birthday isn’t until January and she is already asking for a cat…

My wife grew up with several pets. She actually rescued one at the time we started dating, His name is Gato (spanish for cat). As the years went on (Gato) grew on me.  When it was time for my wife (girlfriend at the time) and I to move into our own place together Gato came along. Ya see my wife also had two other dogs and a cat that lived in the house with her. We felt bad for Gato, he looked lonely.  He would just sit under the bed for days. A few weeks later we decided to get another cat for Gato to play with. We named the cute little kitten Sophie They became best friends, yea there were fights here and there but they both were happy.

We lived in that apartment for three years until we decided to make our first cross-country move. Finally after 5 days of driving with all our stuff and 2 cats we arrived in Arizona. 2 years into living in our house we were getting ready to have our oldest daughter.  Gato became very territorial. He went from sleeping in the bassinet we had ready for the baby, to just being very jealous I guess. We didn’t want to take any chances with Gato and the baby being in the house together. Not that we didn’t trust Gato, so we decided to have Gato stay with my mother and father in law. Now, Sophie on the other hand was a super chill cat. I mean we did adopt her from my home town so she had to be chill right? Sophie was super protective of the baby. She would sleep on the corner of the bed, right by the bassinet. It was like she was protecting her.

Almost a year and a half later I was awoken by Sophie crying, like yelping in pain. My wife and I were like WTF.  It was about Midnight and Sophie was down the hall just crying as if she broke a leg. I ran back to the bedroom and told my wife. By the time I got back down the hallway Sophie had jumped into the tub in the front bathroom.  I took her out of the tub and brought her down to our room and placed her on the bed with my wife. Not knowing what was going on, we googled the closet animal hospital, which was 30 mins away. It’s now about 1230 and I’m getting Sophie in the carrier to bring her to the vet.

They took her back and I waited which seemed like forever. While I was waiting I was talking to the receptionist. This girl reminded me so much of my sister it wasn’t funny. It was just the way see presented herself.  I actually told her that she looked liked my sister.  Anyway, I finally got called back and it turns out that Sophie had a “saddle thrombus,” (blood clot that affects the hind legs) I had no clue WTH it was. I asked the doctor if she would make it, and if we were going to have to put her down.  I felt so bad, they were gonna keep her over night and I was to come back in the morning. Before I left I went back to see her in the cage and told her I would be back for her tomorrow.

We did our research on the symptoms of Thrombus. We went back to the hospital around noon the next day. The doctor told us that Sophie wasn’t able to fully use her back leg. They say pets know when there time is up. Some animals crawl into dark spaces when its there time. Others like Sophie showed no emotion. She sat there with my wife and I just starting at us. No purring like she usually did when we petted her. Just a blank stare, all three of us knew it was her time. The doctor came into the room and we told him our decision. He asked if we wanted to be there for her last moments, and of course I said yes. My wife stayed behind. The Doctor explained what would happen and that it would be quick and painless.  I stood there over Sophie watching her blink every so still. I was petting her trying to hold back the tears. The Doctor says “its done” I gave her a kiss and walked away, and started crying like a baby.  Who knew losing a pet would be this painful. To this day I still say that was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  Sophie now stays with us all the time. Her ashes are inside a little tie die box. On the front of the box it has her little paw print which is a  symbolic way to remember that super chill cat.

It has been 4 years since Sophie left us and we still bring up stories about her.  My oldest daughter will just randomly say  “I miss Sophie”, and we will say “yea we do to Bri”    Till next time Let your Grief Heal You.

Cheers,

Tom

There is a first time for everything

I did my first podcast last Saturday and it was AWESOME! (Link below) @soulgabashjazz are the best. I don’t know why I was a bit nervous about it. Maybe it was out of my comfort zone? I have a blog, so all my life’s tragedies and pain and happiness are out there. So what was it? It was something new! That’s it’s, and now that I got through that the second and third and so on will be easy. I actually loved speaking about what I write about. I think it gives the readers I have a different perspective about what @goodgrievings is all about. It was kinda cool putting a voice to the writing. I know there are some that are skeptical about some of my stories, but I’m not the one to just put my stuff out there without there being any truth to it.

My word is my bond, I want others to be comforted by what I write. I want others to know that if you do have these same feelings and sensations, you aren’t the only one. It’s all real! Everyone has the ability to sense spirit, some are just stronger than others. For the time being I’m not foreseeing this ability to much. The main reason is because it is draining. You also have to be great at keeping yourself grounded, since there is bad spirit out there. I have had an instance in the very beginning when I was unaware of the full ability when I was spiritually attacked. It feels like your breath is being taken away from you and your chest is super heavy. Take my advice, if you have this ability and you move forward with it. Be careful! It’s real! #FRFR

There is a first time for everything, I mean I was nervous as hell to get my first post out there. I reread my posts after the podcast and I have seen a great improvement in what I write. Heck my first post wasn’t even a full paragraph, Lol. I’m not sure what the next first thing there is for me yet. I many ideas, maybe my own podcast? Maybe something more. I guess you will just have to keep checking back to see what my next first thing will be.

Here is my first podcast. Hope you Enjoy!

https://anchor.fm/soul-gab-with-ash–jazz/episodes/Episode-18-e1v0kq

Cheers,

Tom

It’s a beach day

There is nothing like the Jersey Shore!! The beach/boardwalk/food… ya get it. As I sit here just relaxing with some Zach Brown on and my toes in the sand, I can’t but help to think how it would be with my mom here with us. Growing up I hated the beach. I would always need an umbrella and things to keep me occupied for the day. My Mom would have to drag me with her. For some reason I kept going, probably because when I was younger I didn’t have a choice. As I got older I kept going, maybe it was meant for me to keep going since life was gonna throw me that curve ball when my mom passed.

Here we are today, I am at my place of Zen relaxing. My kids are having a blast, playing in the water and sand (nothing like how I was). I sit here knowing my mom is watching us and the girls enjoy the hell out of the Jersey Shore. She would be so happy being around her grandkids. But I know now that it was all meant to be like this. It was meant for me to be so happy even after all the tragedy and pain I had to go through. As you all know now, I’m defiantly ok with and have accepted it.

I’m gonna enjoy these last couple days of our trip and soak up some sun! I’m gonna drink some beers, I’m gonna eat some delicious food, I’m gonna embrace my life as I know it and keep on living my life, but also continue to keep the memories of my Mom with me and know that she is always with my family wherever we go.

Till next time,

Cheers,

Tom

Follow up to my last post

So, I went to the cemetery yesterday with just my youngest. I was gonna bring flowers, then thought it’s to hot and they will die quick. Instead with both picked some small wild flowers growing in the grass and put them on the headstone. I started to explain to my 3yr about the whole process of why people go to cemeteries. She was just asking but why dada, but why? I told her that my mommie and sister are in the ground below us. She proceeds to start playing in the grass trying to see the dirt. Now some of you may see this as strange for me to explain to a 3 yr old about the whole process, but it’s really amazing how interested she was about it. She’s at the age that she wants to know things. Weather she understands or not, it will at least sink in one day.

We went about our visit of putting the flowers on the head stone and me showing her and telling her what names are on the headstone. We both sang “you are my sunshine”. I asked her if she wants to sing or say anything else and she proceeded to say “yes, I wanna sing God our father”. This was a prayer that she and her sister said during school before their day started. She went on to sing and of course had me tearing up. She went on putting more flowers on the headstone because they started blowing away in the wind. We said our good byes and got in the car. It was an experience in itself. I believe she at least knows that they are in heaven because she always reminds me when we talk about my mom and sister. Happy smiling, your loved ones are always with you.

Cheers ,

Tom

Enjoying my life

I have been looking forward to this trip for months. One of the main reasons is for the girls to see family and actually remember it all. They were 3 yrs old and 18 months the last time. It’s gonna be a blast watching them enjoy each day.

There are plenty of other reasons why I’m going to enjoy our trip. Being with family and friends, spending time with my wife on date nights etc. I also look forward to heading to the cemetery to visit my mom and sister grave. Deep down it really hurts that I can’t go as often as I did. I used to be able to go whenever I wanted. I used to go and just talk to them (even though I know they can both hear me at anytime 😉). I used to go and just sit in my car and think, how did I/we end up like this? Why did we end up like this? Everything happens for a reason… If my mom did not pass when I was so young I believe I wouldn’t be who I am today. If my sister didn’t pass when she was so young, I wouldn’t have what I have today. So I ll head there with my girls and hug them and I ll do what I always did. I’ll sing “you are my sunshine” to them and have a good cry and go about day. I’ll show my girls that it’s ok to be sad, even though I’m one of the happiest guys on the planet. I have excepted my life as it is now, without a Mom and sister. I ll continue to live my life knowing they are always around me. I’ll continue living my life knowing that I’m doing the best I can do, and sometimes asking myself (what would my mom do) in difficult situations. I ll keep on smiling.

As the title says “enjoying my life” which my original post was going to be about, I thought I would share with you what I did above. So I guess you ll get a 2 for 1 blog today haha.

My wife and I had a date night a few weeks ago. Friday night as been our date night since our town has a summer concert series. One Friday they had a Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute from a band called Tuesday’s Gone. What an awesome band, and great atmosphere. Skynyrd was one of my father in laws favorites. As the night went on and the music kept playing I kept thinking to myself and said “man Eddie would be having a blast” I could imagine him with a beer in his hand standing next to us doing his silly whole body dance without moving is feet (which only he could accomplish). I could imagine him singing along and smiling, just living it up. I teared up a bit just knowing he is physically missing out on enjoying all of this. Man It sucks, but I know he is with me doing that silly dance and although not drinking a beer, he’s knowing I’m enjoying myself and grieving in a good way remembering his great taste of music.

Cheers,

Tom

I donno

Happy Saturday peeps! You are probably wondering what’s up with the I donno? Well, I really don’t know. I have a hard time coming up with things to blog about without being repetitive. Maybe that is what blogs are supposed to be about? Are they? If you have read my blog already you know my story and where I have been (deep in darkness) to now in the happiest state of my life. But I still don’t think of a lot of things to blog about. This is one of the reasons why I contemplated getting rid of it in general. Then I created goodgrievings@gmail.com. So I went on with it. I signed up for another year of blogging! I want to keep going. I know my blog has reached others to help them. I know it has reached others that have been through similar situations that I have been through.

As you have read earlier I took time away cause everything I wrote about took a toll on me and brought back all the memories of my mom and sister. It was like a relieved it again, even though my purpose was to get my story out for others. It kinda backfired in a way. I came back after a while and turned my attention towards POSITIVITY! Straight up being positive towards almost everything I do. Don’t get me wrong, I have my days but for the most part everyday I am positive.

I follow @robdial and saw a video on his site that was talking about how each of us control the way we think. I saw the video at the perfect time. It automatically sunk in, and it’s absolutely true. YOU control your own mind and YOU control what YOU think. Check him out, he has some interesting videos that will make you think…. Anyway, if you are reading this maybe you can send me an email me of ideas of what I can blog about and how I can blog more often. It makes me feel good to know others read what I blog about and I wanna keep going with it.

Well I’m off to finish my Cawwwfe and hit the beach. Make it a great one!

Cheers,

Tom

Sunday Dreaming

Hello again! If you are reading this, please know that I appreciate you for coming back and following along my journey. I have connected with so many positive people through twitter that it makes my soul happy. With that said, I wanted to share a dream with you that really hit me. It brought me joy, comfort, sadness, and tears all in one.

My wife and I were at a place, sort of like a shark tank (like the show). We were trying to sell or get some kinda thing patented. It didn’t work since they turned us down. We leave the place and we see another couple we know with there 1 yr old just waking around, We say Hi and leave. Next thing you know I’m walking up the front stairs to my godparents house. The house that my godmother grew up in and not the one they live in now.

I walk in and see my Godmothers oldest brother and my Father in law (ya know the spirit that is already around me) trying to fix the tv and audio sound that everyone is trying to watch. I walk to everyone and give hugs and shake hands. I walk towards my godmothers youngest brother to shake his hand and I see my father in law turning around since he was standing right by him. He was turning around sort of like a robot. He stuck his hand out and he shook my hand. It was a familiar firm hand shake. We shook and he turned back around. No smile or words just a shake. It felt so real, as if he was here today. Everyone else was carrying on and he was just going about his business. He was the only one that had passed in this dream that I realized. I woke up right after that and had to realize it was just a dream.

After a bit I fell back to sleep and back into the dream. My godmothers oldest brother was there and I asked him. Did you see my father in law helping you fix the audio? He says “no I didn’t, that was my mom! My godmothers mom was like a grandmother to my sister and I growing up. She died a year and a day before my father in law, so it kinda makes sense with the correlation with the two in my dream. This dreams brings to light that my father in law will forever and always be around me, just like he is right now….

One of my connections I have made is with a wonderful positive soul who is leaning towards starting her own dream interpretation gig. Though we have never met, It it feels like we have know each other for a while. Ever since I have met her my dreams and been more vivid of sorts, more clear and is helping understand what and how I need to deal with things in my life. Give her a follow @intuitive_light. Have a good night

Cheers,

Tom

Positivity is Key

2 years ago this week, my wife and I visited the city we live in for the first time. We came to scope it out and we just fell in love with it. For the year and half we have actually lived here, I would always say “it doesn’t feel like a beach town”. I guess I was kinda thinking it would feel like the Jersey shore and how everywhere you go feels like a beach town. Then again, there is no place like the Jersey Shore 😉.

Then came today, I started working at a new store this passed Wednesday which is 5 minutes from the beach. The store happens to be on an island about 30 mins from where we live. I left a little earlier for work and by the time I was about to go over the bridge to the store the sun was rising. I drove right past the store and parked about 25 steps to the beach. I of course turned the camera on, took a deep breath and let everything go. It was so peaceful and relaxing even though it was 45 degrees, but who gives a shit… IT’S THE BEACH!!! I stayed for about 10 minutes or so and I said to myself I can’t believe this. We moved here to be closer to the beach and closer to family. And now I’m actually working at the beach. So now I can actually say that we live in a beach town and it actually feels like it just from that 10min realization.

It is crazy how positivity plays a huge role in your life. Before we moved here we would always say to each other that we would be moving. We felt it, dreamt it, made a huge sacrifice for it, and look we are here. Some people may not believe that it works this way, but it absolutely does. If your negative all the time you are blinded by all the good there is. If you eat crappy food (sometimes I do) which I’m working on, it will make feel crappy ” you are what you eat” they say. Manifest it, feel it, believe it, and it will come. Trust me! It may not come exactly when you want it to but it will, Positivity is Key!

My wife and I started following @thespiritualguidebook on Instagram. We highly recommend it. It gives you that positive boost you may need each day. Positivity, positivity, positivity Live by it. Below is the picture I snapped this morning. I hope you enjoy it. Now go and find your happy place.

Cheers,

Tom